A N T Z
CHARACTERS VOICES
"Z"...............................................WOODY ALLEN
"WASP #1".........................................DAN AYKROYD
"WASP #2".........................................JANE CURTIN
"GEN. FORMICA"...................................DANNY GLOVER
"MANDIBLE".......................................GENE HACKMAN
"AZTECA".......................................JENNIFER LOPEZ
"DRUNK SCOUT"....................................JOHN MAHONEY
"WEAVER"...................................SYLVESTER STALLONE
"PRINCESS BALA"..................................SHARON STONE
"QUEEN"..........................................MERYL STREEP
"CARPENTER"................................CHRISTOPHER WALKEN
Z (O.S.)
(over a dark screen)
All my life, I've lived and worked in
the big city...
We see:
EXT. AN ANT MOUND - DAY
The camera swoops towards the entrance, then dives inside,
past a couple of tough-looking soldier ants who stand at the
gates of the ant colony like insect bouncers...into an access
tunnel that snakes this way and that, past a row of ants
plodding along...
...and into the MAIN CHAMBER of the colony, a huge, teeming
vista that seems to stretch away forever, filled with ants
rushing here and there on their business. We see -- a
"traffic cop" directing foot traffic, waving his arms like
crazy so both sides move at once -- a column of soldier ants
marching along in formation -- a chain of ants letting down
a matchbox elevator filled with workers.
Z (V.O.)
...which is kind of a problem, since
I've always felt uncomfortably in
crowds.
INT. MOTIVATIONAL COUNSELLOR'S OFFICE - DAY
We join Z, a worker ant with issues. He's lying on a couch,
recounting his woes.
Z
I feel...isolated. Different. I've
got abandonment issues. My father
flew away when I was just a larva.
My mother didn't have much time for
me...when you have five million
siblings, it's difficult to get
attention.
(pause)
I feel physically inadequate -- I've
never been able to lift more than ten
times my own weight. Sometimes I
think I'm just not cut out to be a
worker. But I don't have any other
options. I was assigned to trade
school when I was just a grub. The
whole system just...makes me
feel...insignificant.
MOTIVATIONAL COUNSELLOR
(enthusiastic)
Terrific! You should feel
insignificant!
For the first time, we see the ant MOTIVATIONAL COUNSELLOR.
He's a mixture of Tony Robbins and Ron Popiel (the
hyperactive late-night TV huckster, and founder of "Ronco").
Z
...I should?
MOTIVATIONAL COUNSELLOR
(hopping around
enthusiastically)
YES!!! You know, people ask me,
"Doctor, why are you always happy?"
And I tell them it's mind over
matter. I don't mind that I don't
matter! Do you get it? Do you get
it?
Z gives a fake smile.
MOTIVATIONAL COUNSELLOR
(incredibly "up")
Z, we're part of the fastest growing
species in the whole world!
The counsellor rolls down a chart from the wall. An arrow
shows ant population going up, up, up.
MOTIVATIONAL COUNSELLOR
Ask me why we're so successful.
Z
Why are we so successful?
MOTIVATIONAL COUNSELLOR
I'm glad you asked me that question!
The motivational counsellor opens some blinds...and we see a
vista of the ant-filled chamber below.
MOTIVATIONAL COUNSELLOR
What do you see out there?
Z
...Ants...
MOTIVATIONAL COUNSELLOR
Right! Ants! Millions of creatures,
each with his assigned task, all
pulling together!
Down below, we see a group of ants carrying a boulder up an
incline. One worker ants slips, and the boulder rolls down,
crushing his leg. The other ants rush over -- it looks like
they're going to help their fallen comrade, but instead, they
climb right over him, and pick up the boulder, continuing
with their task.
MOTIVATIONAL COUNSELLOR
You see? Being an ant is being able
to say, "Hey -- I'm meaningless,
you're meaningless."
Z
But -- but I've always felt life was
about finding meaning...and then
sharing it with someone special,
someone you love.
The motivational counsellor puts his arm on Z's shoulder...he
seems to understand...
MOTIVATIONAL COUNSELLOR
Z...you need help.
(looking at a clock)
Whoops! We're gonna have to stop
there. Your minute is up!
The counsellor ushers Z out of his seat and towards the door.
MOTIVATIONAL COUNSELLOR
Now back to work! We've made real
progress! Remember -- let's be
best superorganism we can be!
INT. EARLY MEGA-TUNNEL - DAY
A gigantic tunnel, with the size and scale of the "Chunnel".
A banner strung overhead reads: "The Mega-Tunnel -- Tunneling
Our Way to a Bright Future!" Along the walls hang 50's work-
incentive style posters with messages like, "You asked for
it, you got it -- more work!" and "TWO MEALS A WEEK IS
ENOUGH!!!" Line after line of ants is working on the tunnel,
digging, passing clumps of dirt from ant to ant, everyone
synchronized.
CLOSE on a clump of DIRT being passed from hand to hand.
PULL OUT TO REVEAL
AZTECA, a feisty, cynical, female worker ant, who stands
there, waiting to pass the dirt on. Z is daydreaming behind
her, with clumps of dirt starting to pile up in front of him.
AZTECA
Hello?! Earth to Z! You better snap
out of it, or there's gonna be a lot
of pissed off ants!
Z looks back, and sees the ants behind staring at him angrily.
Z
(snapping out of it)
Sorry Azteca. Here you go, fellas!
Fresh dirt! Alley oop!
(looking at the dirt)
Shouldn't we be wearing gloves? I
mean this dirt is very...dirty.
Doesn't anyone think of hygiene?
(Z's stomach growls)
Boy am I hungry. I'm so hungry I'm
seeing double. It looks like there's
two million ants in here. When's
lunch? Tomorrow, or the day after?
AZTECA
(sweetly)
Z, old pal...
(shouts)
SHUT UP!!! It's bad enough there's
a food shortage without you
complaining about it every day.
Z
The squeaky wheel gets the oil.
AZTECA
No, Z. The squeaky wheel gets thrown
away, alright? You're a good ant, Z,
even though you are a pain in my rear-
segment. I don't wanna see
anything happen to you. So quit
mouthing off, before you get in
trouble.
A WHISTLE BLOWS.
Z
Thank goodness. Breaktime.
All the ants put down their tools. A beat. Then the WHISTLE
BLOWS AGAIN. All the ants pick up their tools again.
AZTECA
(resigned)
Break's over.
Z
(getting back to work)
This colony needs another tunnel like
a hole in the ground. Why are we
even digging this thing?
AZTECA
Who cares, Z. All I know is, we
gotta dig. We're not the ones in
charge.
INT. TOWN CENTER - DAY
The huge, spacious main chamber of the colony. Looming over
the scene is the royal palace, which seems to be
inaccessible, perched on top of a hill-like pedestal.
Around the base of the pedestal, a crew of workers loiters,
seemingly aimlessly...can these be the only unemployed ants
in the place?
GENERAL FORMICA
STAIRS!
The workers look up and GROAN. Then they start forming a
stairway with their own bodies, linking arms, stepping on
each other's shoulders. It's extremely unpleasant work. One
ant is a little tardy, and just manages to get in place
before...
GENERAL FORMICA, the Pattonesque military leader of the
colony, STEPS ON HIS HEAD, using it as the first step as he
ascends to the palace, his aide-de-camp Carpenter in tow. As
Formica mounts the "stairs" we can hear the workers going,
"OUCH! OOF! YIKES!" etc.
GENERAL FORMICA
Cut the chit-chat down there!
(turning to Carpenter)
We've spoiled these workers,
Carpenter. They've never had it so
good, and listen to them -- always
grumbling and complaining...
Formica steps on the foot of one of the "stairway" ants, who
muffles a yelp.
CARPENTER
...Yes, sir.
GENERAL FORMICA
What have they got to complain about?
Three square meals a day...
CARPENTER
Actually, sir, we've cut them down to
three roughly rectangular meals a
week.
FORMICA
Don't give me statistics, Carpenter.
I know what I'm talking about. DOORS!
Formica and Carpenter have reached the top of the staircase.
There, the two guard ants on either side of the massive
throne room doors pull them open -- and one door hinge
SQUEAKS.
FORMICA
(to guard ant, while
passing)
Oil that, soldier.
INT. THRONE ROOM - DAY
The QUEEN is on her throne, her huge abdomen sprawled behind
her.
QUEEN
Ah! General Formica.
Formica salutes and marches to her, Carpenter behind him.
Note: Throughout this scene, the Queen is giving birth
repeatedly. Each birth is accompanied by a herald playing a
short "Happy Birthday" fanfare on his trumpet. Mid-wife ants
bring each baby to the Queen for inspection, who COOS a few
words. The midwives put the babies on a moving bassinet-
line, powered by ants on a treadmill.
QUEEN
General, the severe food shortage
that faces the colony...pains me.
The thought of any of my children
going hungry...
(she shudders; then,
to baby)
Who's the cutest widdle worker? You
are! Yes, you! Don't forget to
brush your teeth!
(to mid-wife)
Ship 'er out.
(back to Formica)
What steps are you taking to remedy
the situation?
FORMICA
We are launching a major offensive to
expand our foraging territory...
QUEEN
Yes, what else?
FORMICA
Please don't worry, your majesty.
Leave the worrying to me. As you
know, I'm not an ant of half-
measures. I don't pussyfoot around.
This crisis is my number one
priority, and I promise you it's
being dealt with swiftly, and
decisively.
The Queen's attention is interrupted by another baby being
put in her arms.
QUEEN
(to baby)
No snacking between meals! Off you
go!
(to Formica)
Now -- what were we saying?
FORMICA
(Oliver North-style)
I do not recollect, your majesty.
Will that be all?
QUEEN
Yes, General Formica. Carry on, my
good man! I don't know what we would
do without you.
Formica clicks his heels and bows his head. Carpenter bows
low. Formica smartly about faces --
BALA (O.S.)
General Formica!
PRINCESS BALA hurries through a second doorway, carrying a
swatch book. Something about her sets her apart from the
HANDMAIDEN ANTS with her. Her tiara, probably.
Formica tilts his head quizzically to Carpenter behind him.
CARPENTER
(sotto)
Princess Bala, sir. Your fiancee.
FORMICA
Princess! You look -- outstanding.
Is there anything I can do for you?
BALA
Well -- I thought -- since we're
getting married...it might be nice if
we...got to know one another.
Formica looks confused.
QUEEN
Bala has always been a hopeless
romantic, General.
BALA
It's just that -- well, I'm honored
that you selected me, and everything,
I just thought the marriage might go
a little more smoothly if -- we had
a conversation?
FORMICA
(uncomfortable)
Conversation...yes...well...
(to Carpenter)
Wasn't she briefed?
QUEEN
(holding up a baby)
Look, General! A darling baby
soldier!
(emotionally, to baby)
Don't try to be a hero! Just make
sure you come back in one piece!
(handing it off)
Next!
FORMICA
(using the
interruption)
I'll take your suggestion under
advisement, Princess. In the
meanwhile --
Formica turns to go.
BALA
General -- we have to talk sometime!
FORMICA
Very well. Carpenter, is there a
convenient time to talk vis-a-vis:
relationship?
CARPENTER
Actually, sir, we're ahead of
schedule. We have thirty-six seconds
available right now.
FORMICA
Outstanding. Princess...?
Bala's a little fazed...but grabs her chance.
BALA
So, um...how was your day? What did
you do?
FORMICA
(scouring his mind)
Well...
(that's it!)
I declared war!
BALA
(sadly)
Oh...and I was afraid we had nothing
in common...
CARPENTER
(under his breath)
Fourteen-fifty hours, sir.
FORMICA
Duty calls!
He strides across the floor. Bala watches him go, her
antennae drooping unhappily.
FORMICA
No squeak. Outstanding!
We see through the now-open doors into the throne-room as
Formica and Carpenter double-time out of the frame.
The Queen sees that Bala is unhappy.
QUEEN
(sympathetically)
I felt the same way before I got
married. Confused. Scared.
BALA
(hopefully)
You did?
QUEEN
Yes -- but I did my duty and sorted
out all those messy feelings. The
wonderful thing about ant life is
that everything is arranged. Even
marriage. You're lucky -- General
Formica is a paragon of anthood.
BALA
(unconvinced)
Yes...he's wonderful...
The doors swing shut on them -- revealing the two guard ants
who were CRUSHED in the wake of Formica's exit.
INT. BALA'S QUARTERS - DAY
Bala enters, followed by her handmaidens, who are in a state
of giggling infatuation over Formica. Bala is scowling as
she leafs through a wedding catalogue.
HANDMAIDEN #1
(swooning over
General Formica)
The General's body segments are
so...symmetrical.
HANDMAIDEN #2
(giggling)
I'd let him order me into battle
anyday.
Bala hurls the swatch book against the wall.
HANDMAIDEN #1
Princess? What's wrong?
BALA
Wrong? How could anything be wrong?
I'm going to marry General Formica
and be a queen and have millions of
babies, just like my mom.
(concerned)
Do I look fat to you?
HANDMAIDEN #2
(knowingly, to
Handmaiden #2)
Pre-wedding jitters.
HANDMAIDEN #1
You just need to blow off some steam.
Let's go to the bar at the Royal Club!
BALA
The Club's so stuffy. I want to try
someplace different.
HANDMAIDEN #2
There isn't anyplace else --
(making a joke)
Except the worker bar.
BALA
The worker bar! Yes! That's where
I want to go!
The handmaidens look shocked.
HANDMAIDEN #1
But -- we can't -- there'll be
workers there.
INT. ANT BAR - NIGHT
A long bar filled with ants. The bar itself seems to stretch
for miles, and there are hundreds of ants trying to get a
drink...unfortunately, there's only one bartender. Z is at
the bar with WEAVER, a burly ant soldier.
Z
We declared war again?
(off Weaver's nod)
Are you scared?
WEAVER
(shrugs)
I'll be back.
The BARTENDER, a grizzled veteran, slaps down what looks like
a couple of large green beer mugs. Actually, they're aphids,
little green critters he fills up from a number of kegs
hanging from the ceiling. The kegs are specialized ants with
hugely distended stomachs, which spray liquid into the aphids.
APHIDS
(as they're slapped
on bar)
Ouch! Ouch!
BARTENDER
Two aphid beers.
Z
(as Bartender leaves)
Did you see that? How he gave you
the beers, not me? I'm telling you,
he's got something against workers.
WEAVER
I don't know what you're talking
about, Z.
Z
Come on -- everybody dumps on us
workers. You soldiers get all the
glory. Plus you get to go out into
the world, meet interesting insects,
and kill them.
WEAVER
Yeah, but you get to spend all day
with those fabulous worker babes.
We can see that Weaver is eyeing a nearby table of "Worker
Babes", including Z's friend Azteca.
Z
Weaver, they're career girls.
They're obsessed with digging.
(sighs)
No, I'll probably never meet the girl
for me.
WEAVER
Who said there was a girl for you?
I was talking about a girl for me.
(quaffing his aphid
beer)
Don't you want your aphid beer?
Z
I can't help it. I have a thing
about drinking from the anus of
another creature. Call me crazy.
WEAVER
Z, we've known each other a long
time, right?
Z
Of course. You were born two seconds
after me.
WEAVER
And all the time I've known you,
you've been grumping and groaning.
You should quit making waves. Go
with the flow.
Z
Weaver, I'm an insect, not a liquid.
Down the bar, there's a commotion. A grizzled old SCOUT ant
has had too much to drink.
DRUNK SCOUT
Have you been to Insectopia? Have
you? No, ya goddam larvas! But I
have...
(becoming emotional)
...Mosquitos n' caterpillars n'
beetles -- all livin' in peace,
stuffin their guts with food...No
rules, no regulations...you can be
your own ant there...
(howling drunkenly)
It's Insectopia! Insectopia!
Z
Hey, Weaver, listen!
DRUNK SCOUT
I was cut off from my unit -- found
it by mistake --
(slurring)
It changed my life!
(spraying another
soldier with saliva)
You see -- ya follow the great yellow
egg, and you come to the land of red
and white --
SOLDIERS
You've had enough for one night!
Come on, Gramps, before you get in
trouble.
The soldiers pull him from the bar, carrying him out.
Z
(excited)
Hey, did you hear what he said?!
WEAVER
Poor guy's had one too many scouting
missions.
MUSIC STARTS UP.
INT. ANT BAR ENTRANCE - NIGHT
Princess Bala is peering in at the entrance to the ant bar,
accompanied by her worried-looking handmaidens.
HANDMAIDEN #2
We shouldn't be doing this -- it
isn't proper!
BALA
I'm the Princess, aren't I?
HANDMAIDEN #2
Of course --
BALA
And do Princesses do improper things?
HANDMAIDEN #2
Of course not --
BALA
Then if I go to the worker bar, it
isn't improper. Anyway, don't worry.
No one will recognize us in our
disguises.
She adjusts her "disguise", a hardhat, tied down Jackie O.-
style with an ant's version of a Chanel scarf.
BALA
I'm just a common worker, cooling off
after a rough day!
Music starts. An ant BARKER takes the mic at one end of the
dance floor.
BARKER
(on loudspeaker)
Okay, folks. It's six-fifteen, and
that means it's time to dance.
Every ant gets up to dance. Weaver turns to Z.
WEAVER
(draining his beer)
Time to cut a rug, Z!
Z
I'm not in the mood.
(disgusted)
Even when they're off work, they
follow orders.
WEAVER
Well, you just sit here and be a
party-pooper.
Weaver joins the rest of the ants who are lining up for the
dance. The Barker calls out the steps in a bored monotone --
all the ants already know the steps. Everyone dances in
perfect synch.
BARKER
(southern twang)
And a left-right-quarterstep-back
step-halfstep -- a left-right-
quarterstep-backstep-halfstep --
a left-right-quarterstep-backstep
halfstep --
AT THE ENTRANCE, Bala smiles mischievously at her handmaidens.
BALA
I'm going to ask one of these
mindless, primitive worker-types to
dance with me!
HANDMAIDEN #1
But General Formica would be furious!
BALA
(enjoying the idea)
I know.
The handmaidens are appalled. Bala whirls away from them,
sets her sights and searches the crowd -- zeroing in on --
Z, who's watching the other ants dance.
Z
What a bunch of losers. Mindless
zombies capitulating to an oppressive
system --
BALA
Wanna dance?
Bala's standing right there. Z is instantly smitten.
Z
Me?! Yes!!! I mean --
(regaining suavosity)
Just let me finish my beer.
Not breaking eye contact with Bala, Z smiles suavely.
Reaches suavely for a beer. Suavely grabs the candle in a
glass jar off the bar. Suavely singes his face.
He plays it off with a rakish little laugh. A bit
apprehensive, Bala heads onto the floor. Z follows her.
Z
So uh -- how come I haven't seen you
around here before?
BALA
(covering up)
I work in the palace, I don't get out
much.
Z
The palace, hunh? I bet those royals
really live it up. Of course they're
all a little, you know, from
inbreeding --
BALA
(shocked)
What?
Z and Bala step onto the dance floor with the rest of the
ants, but Z can't do any of the steps.
Z
Now, let's see, I -- it's been a
while since I -- I think you --
Bala watches Z, trying to follow along. It's the blind
leading the blind, as Z tries in vain to follow the barker's
rapid instructions.
Z
Here, I'll lead.
Z starts doing his own, individual dance. With a suave
expression on his face, he leads Bala in a helter-skelter
mixture-of Tango, Charleston, and hand-jive.
BALA
Are you sure this is a real dance?
Z
Well, actually, uh -- I'm sort of
making it up --
BALA
(surprised)
Really?
Z
Why should everyone dance the same
way? It's as exciting as watching
fungus grow.
BALA
You're right!
Z
(surprised)
You -- you think I'm right?
BALA
Why can't I just do whatever I want
to do? Why can't I just go wild?!
Yahoo!
Bala starts to get into it, making up her own steps in reply
to Z's, loosening up, having fun. For a moment, the two of
them are actually sexy together. Then they get a little too
wild -- and the other ants, who are still doing their
intricate dance, start to collide with Bala and Z. Z almost
knocks over a big soldier ant. We can only see the ant's
back at the moment.
SOLDIER
Hey! Watch your step, worker.
Z has turned around to see the soldier ant, MAJOR MANDIBLE,
glaring at him. Mandible is about twice Z's size. He's got
one eye missing, and half of his left antenna his been chewed
off.
BALA
You watch yours, soldier, or my
worker friend will beat you up!
Z
(terrified)
Oh, that's okay, I'll let him off
this time.
(whispering to Bala)
Are you crazy? This guy's built like
a pebble!
(ineptly trying to
placate the soldier)
You know they do great prosthetic
antennas nowadays --
BALA
Aren't you gonna stand up for
yourself?
Z's caught between a rock and a hard place. He doesn't want
to get beaten up, but on the other hand, he doesn't want to
lose face in front of Bala. More soldiers have gathered
around, looking hostile.
SOLDIER
How come you don't dance like the
rest of us?
Z glances over at Bala. Then, shaking with nervousness, he
says defiantly...
Z
Because -- because I'm an individual!
SOLDIER #2
An individual? Never heard of it.
MANDIBLE
You look like a worker to me.
WEAVER
Hey, lay off my little buddy!
Z, meanwhile, looks far away, ecstatic, as if he's just
realized something very important. Unfortunately, just at
this moment, A soldier pushes Weaver...Weaver pushes him
back...somebody makes a dive for Z -- and before you know it,
there's a regular bar brawl going on, with Weaver in the
middle of it, cracking heads together, punching ants in the
face, having a great time. Just then, the Princess'
handmaidens hurries over.
HANDMAIDEN #1
Princess Bala! Princess Bala!
Z, who's scrabbling around on the floor, overhears.
Z
Princess? You're a Princess?
HANDMAIDEN #2
The police are coming!
BALA
Uh oh.
(to Z)
Goodbye! Gotta run!
Z
Wait! When can I see you again?
BALA
Let me think. Hmmnn...
(thinks)
Never. Bye!
Bala rushes off with her handmaiden, just before a squad of
whistle-blowing POLICE wade into the crowd.
Z
Wait! Princess! Wait!
But she's already gone, leaving Z holding her scarf.
CUT TO:
INT. DORMITORY - THE NEXT DAY
Z is talking to Weaver, who's getting ready to go off to war.
Nearby, columns of ant soldiers march by.
WEAVER
Get real, Z! She just dropped the
scarf by accident!
Z
Are you kidding? There were sparks
between us! This scarf is a sign!
WEAVER
It's a sign that you're crazy! Do
you know what the penalty for
impersonating a soldier is?
Z
What's gonna go wrong?! I take your
place for the royal inspection. Bala
comes strolling down the line, she
sees me -- bingo! Love is rekindled,
and she takes me up to the palace for
a little...
(wags his eyebrows
suggestively)
tea and crumpets... and you take your
place again, and go march around to
your heart's content!
Weaver looks unconvinced.
Z
You have to help me. Please, Weaver.
Think of all the things I've done for
you!
WEAVER
(thinks)
I can't think of any.
Z
(pause)
Well I'm gonna start doing things for
you...
WEAVER
Will you introduce me to some worker
girls?
Z
You bet! They'll really go for a
sensitive guy like you!
WEAVER
Maybe I'll get lucky.
(Weaver thinks about
it)
You know, Z, I wouldn't do this
for anyone but you...
Weaver hands Z has helmet.
WEAVER
Wear this.
Z
(overjoyed)
You're a real buddy.
WEAVER
(sourly)
Yeah, I know.
Z
What do I do?
WEAVER
Don't tell anyone you're a worker.
Follow that column over there. And
come right back after the inspection!
Weaver points to a bunch of soldiers hurrying by in formation.
Z
(overjoyed)
Thanks! I owe you!
Z skips off and joins the column, marching in time with the
soldiers but too excited to keep from jazzing it up a little.
INT. TOWN CENTER - NIGHT
The ant army has gathered in a huge HALL in front of a
reviewing stand. We can hear the murmuring of thousands of
soldiers -- but all we can see is a HUGE POSTER of an ant
General pointing right at the camera. The poster reads,
"GENERAL FORMICA WANTS YOU -- to obey".
Z turns to some of the soldiers near him.
Z
Any of you guys know when the
Princess will show up? She's kind of
a personal friend.
The soldiers look at Z like he's nuts.
LOUD VOICE
ATTEN-SHUN!
MARTIAL MUSIC sounds, and we hear thousands of ant feet as
they snap to attention. Z imitates the soldiers awkwardly.
GENERAL FORMICA struts to the middle 6f the screen, slapping
his thigh with a swagger stick (the antenna of some
unfortunate insect)
FORMICA
First of all, let me make one thing
clear. Nobody ever won a battle by
thinking for himself. All this
"thinking" stuff is a load of crap.
If the almighty had wanted you boys
to think, he wouldn't have given you
huge mandibles and a brain so small
you'd misplace it if it wasn't
trapped inside your head.
In the audience, Z starts laughing -- he thinks Formica's
just made a joke.
Z
(slapping his thigh)
"Trapped inside your head" -- that's
a good one --
Z notices nobody else is laughing. He stops.
Z
Geez -- tough room.
From the stage, Formica is squinting at the audience, trying
to make out who was laughing, but there are just too many
ants. He continues.
FORMICA
(striding back and
forth)
We ants survive as a species because
we do what we're told. We survive
because we work together, as one, we
get the job done, we do whatever it
takes to persevere!
(dramatic pause)
Hell, we're not an army of
ants...we're one giant ant, with
giant fists, and giant jaws!
The soldiers CHEER! Z CHEERS along with the rest of them.
Z
(to the soldier ant
next to him)
Lays it on a little thick, doesn't
he? If you ask me, he's one giant
bore.
FORMICA
Now I've heard a lot of scuttlebutt
about a food shortage. Well you boys
are gonna be taken care of. But in
the meantime we're gonna eat the
enemy for breakfast, we are gonna
eat the enemy for lunch, and we are
gonna eat the enemy for dinner!
Z
Geez, and I forgot my toothbrush.
FORMICA
(reflective moment)
Dammit, I'm proud to be an ant.
(he looks out at his
army)
And I know each and every one of you
boys will do your duty. Dismissed.
Z applauds and whistles as the other ants look at him in
confusion.
Z
(clapping)
Bravo! Bring on the Princess!
COLONEL
Stow the gab there, soldier! Let's
move 'em out!
The soldiers turn to the right and start to march out past
the reviewing stand.
A COLONEL marches at the head of Z's column as Z looks around
for the Princess.
COLONEL
Eyes...left!
Finally, as Z's part of the army marches past the end of the
reviewing stand, he sees her, looking bored, standing next
to the Queen, who is giving the royal wave.
Z
(waving)
Princess! Princess Bala! Hey! It's
me! Z! I've got your scarf!
ON THE REVIEWING STAND, Bala sees Z -- that is to say, she
sees one of the thousands upon thousands of ants marching
by...
BALA
(peering out)
Who is that idiot?
QUEEN
Darling, you must encourage the
troops -- wave!
Bala waves unenthusiastically, little more than flopping her
hand back and forth on her wrist.
Down below, Z takes this as a sign that Bala has seen him.
Z
(excited)
Excuse me, guys -- That's my date.
Well, it's been fun. Have a great
war!
Z tries to squeeze his way back towards the royals, but he's
surrounded by a solid wall of soldiers -- and they're
carrying him along with them.
Z
Hey! Wait!
Z loses sight of the Princess as he's carried away.
BARBATUS, a hard-as-nails "grunt" soldier ant, taps Z on the
shoulder.
BARBATUS
You new, kid?
Z
I just joined up. But I'm quitting!
I got a trial membership!
BARBATUS
Trial membership? Kid, when you join
this ant's army, you're in for the
full hitch.
At that moment, Z is swept out of the cramped corridor
they've been marching along, as the army emerges into the
OPEN AIR outside of the colony.
EXT. ANT MOUND - NIGHT
It's a starry, moonlit night. The shadows crowd around the
panicked Z, who looks up at the sky as we see the army on the
march...
Z
Wait a minute, there's been a
mistake! I've got to get back to the
colony!
Z starts to fall out of line, but Barbatus, looking
concerned, stops him.
BARBATUS
Are you crazy, kid? They shoot
deserters!
Z swallows hard.
BARBATUS
You just stick by old Barbatus.
He'll watch out for you.
(off Z's look)
Whatsamatter, kid? Leave a girl
behind?
Z
Yeah. Well -- no. She's kind of
playing hard to get. As a matter of
fact, she's playing completely
unattainable.
(nervously)
So, what's on the schedule? A brisk
walk? a foraging expedition?
BARBATUS
No -- we're going to attack the
termites!
Z
(alarmed)
Attack? But -- I hate attacking!
It's so hostile!
Around Z and Barbatus, the ants start up a marching song,
which we intersperse with dialogue between Barbatus and Z to
form a montage/time-cut as the ant army marches on to the
termite capital.
ANT SOLDIERS
(to the tune of "When
Johnny Comes
Marching Home")
We ants go marching one by
one, hurrah, hurrah! We slaughter
termites just for fun, Hurrah!
Hurrah!
Z
So -- these termites, they're little,
shy, retiring insects?
BARBATUS
(grim smile)
No such luck. Those dirty terms are
five times bigger than us, and they
shoot acid from their foreheads!
SOLDIER ANTS
We ants go marching two by two,
hurrah! Hurrah! We'll all be dead
before we're through, hurrah! Hurrah!
Montage shots of an ant column marching diagonally across the
screen, fading into another column marching diagonally
downwards across the screen...
Z
Well, what exactly does our platoon
do? Serve beverages? Process
paperwork?
BARBATUS
Our platoon has the best assignment
of all. We're the first into battle!
ANT SOLDIERS
We ants are marching three by three,
hurrah! Hurrah! Dead ants is what
we soon will be, hurrah! Hurrah!
...montage shot of Z's column crossing a bridge composed of
living ants -- all of whom look extremely uncomfortable as
they're getting stepped on...
Z
So we're going back for more armor,
right? I mean, these guys are from
outer space, how are we supposed to
beat them?!
BARBATUS
Superior numbers, kid!
EXT. TERRAIN NEAR TERMITE STUMP - NIGHT
Z looks up to see...looming high above them...the TERMITE
CITY, which is built in the stump of a dead tree. From here
it looks like a demonic Mount Fuji. The COLONEL ANT shouts
an order.
COLONEL
ATTAAAAAAAAACK!!!
The front line of ants starts rushing towards the termite
colony...Z is swept along...
BARBATUS
Over the TOOOOOOOOOOOOO-OP!!!
Z is swept along and up the side of the stump as thousands of
ants invade the colony through every possible entrance.
Up...over the lip of the stump...and down inside, to the very
middle of the termite colony...
Into a disquietingly peaceful scene. They're in the middle
of the hollowed-out trunk, and ants keep pouring in -- but
there's not a termite to be seen. Barbatus looks around
suspiciously.
BARBATUS
It's too damn quiet.
Then we hear a strange tapping noise. Barbatus looks over,
and sees that Z's teeth are chattering with fear.
BARBATUS
Don't be scared, kid. Barbatus's
got yer back.
Z
(petrified)
Maybe they went out for the evening.
Let's leave them a message and head
home.
COLONEL
(ignoring him)
Light it up!
A nearby soldier ant take a firefly out of his knapsack and
pinches him. The firefly, yelling "Yipe! Yipe! Yipe!",
shoots into the air like a flare, lighting up the interior of
the stump with eery, shifting luminescence.
Then we notice, hollowed into the inside of the stump like
innumerable pockmarks, termite holes staring out upon the
stump...and, with an unearthly ROAR, we see the first of
hundreds of termites emerging to pour into the center of the
tree, right onto the ant army.
COLONEL
They're here!!!
BARBATUS
(to Z)
Keep your head down!
Within moments, Z finds himself in the middle of a
BLOODBATH. The ants have broken into the colony, but are
taking heavy losses from the gigantic, blind, acid-spewing
termites. The battle scene is as sprawling and chaotic as
something out of Braveheart. In a few QUICK SHOTS from Z's
perspective, we see:
-- A squad of ants rushes towards a termite soldier, but are
literally melted into smoking heaps of flesh by a jet of acid
from its forehead...
-- A termite warrior is overwhelmed by a crowd of ants and is
pulled to pieces with hideous ripping sounds...
-- Another termite warrior takes on an ant soldier one on one
and slowly crushes his head in his huge jaws...
Z
(looking around)
Guys! Guys! It isn't too late for
all of us to just talk this over!
Just then, a termite burst up from the ground and turns to
face Z. Z is dwarfed by this hulking, roaring, drooling
monstrosity.
Z
Wait! Please! Acid makes me come
out in spots! -- Could I just say I
have always had the greatest respect
for your species? I mean, eating
wood -- why didn't I think of that?
I --
The termite rears, getting ready to melt Z, when OOF! he's
knocked backwards by...
Z
BARBATUS! You -- you saved my life!
BARBATUS
Don't get all sappy about it!
As Barbatus and some other soldiers kill the termite, the
Colonel strides up to Z, puffing on a cigar.
COLONEL
I love the smell of formic acid in
the morning.
Z
Look out!
A stream of termite acid engulfs the colonel, instantly
burning him to a cinder clutching a still-burning cigar; Z's
paratroop buddies turn in terror to see a herd of termites
rumbling towards them. Z, terrified, dives into the hole
that the huge termite made...
INT. TERMITE TUNNEL - NIGHT
...and tumbles headlong into a corridor of the termite mound.
The corridors here are primitive, caveman-like, pocked with
jagged access holes.
No sooner has Z landed in the tunnel than a termite comes
burrowing out from one of the side walls, snapping at Z's
head. Z just avoids getting decapitated, and digs straight
through the wall in order to escape...
INT. TERMITE QUEEN'S CHAMBER - NIGHT
...straight into the hub of the entire termite complex -- the
Queen's chamber. This is nothing like the civilized court of
the ant colony -- it's a huge, stinking, fetid dungeon whose
walls are held up by one massive (to Z) column of piled
stones.
The termite queen, a repulsive, slimy, squirming, foot-long
monster, is attended by a crew of diminutive, blind termite
nurses. The queen turns to look Z right in the eye.
Z
Excuse me. I seem to be lost, and I
was wondering if you could give me --
Before Z can say, "directions", the queen gives out a
piercing, blood-curdling shriek. The nurses start shrieking
too.
Z
(backing away)
I'll let myself out.
But the queen's shriek has summoned a soldier termite -- the
biggest one we've seen yet -- who is charging headlong at Z,
jaws snapping open and shut like huge scissors.
Z
(backing away)
Shoo! -- Torro! Torro!
At the last moment, Z jumps out of the way -- and the termite
runs headfirst into the supporting column of the chamber. As
if on a spring release, the termite's jaws clamp shut -- and
shatter the base of the column. The walls of the room begin
to rumble...
The termite turns to eat Z...but is crushed by a stone
falling from the ceiling, which gives a final shudder and
collapses, raining earth and stones down on the queen.
As the walls of the chamber crumble, melees of ants and
termites pour into the room from the corridors around and
above...they keep struggling until...
ANT OFFICER
(points at Z)
He's killed their Queen!
Z
Hey, I'm sorry, it was a mistake --
ANT OFFICER
VICTORY!!!
We can see that the termite warriors, deprived of their
leader, are suddenly confused and directionless, easy prey
for the ants.
Z
(facetious)
This is terrific! Let's exact
crippling war reparations! Let's set
up a puppet government!
ANT OFFICER
Let's slaughter them all!
The ants set about killing the disoriented termites when...we
hear another rumble coming from the outside...the ants look
up confusedly...
...And a (from the ant's point of view) five-hundred foot
long tongue bursts through the top of the chamber with a
CRASH. The ten or so ants standing directly below are
smashed by the tongue, which squirts out a spray of saliva
around the crater. As quick as it appeared, the tongue
retracts, with a hideous SLUUURPING sound. We can now see
the end of the snout of an ant-eater poking through a hole in
the ceiling high above...
ANT OFFICER
INCOMING!
The tongue comes down again, smashing some more ants, whose
bodies are slurped up by the tongue...the ants scatter, but
to no avail, as the tongue comes smashing down again and
again...
Z heads into a side corridor as the tongue smashes down
again, barely missing him!
Z retreats along the corridor as the tongue searches for him,
across the tunnel from intersecting access-tunnels, getting
closer and closer to Z, dragging more and more screaming ants
and struggling termites...
....Then the tongue disappears. Silence. Z wipes his brow...
And we hear a thunderous SNIFFING noise as the anteater
searches for more prey... and the tongue starts rumbling down
the corridor right towards Z, the tip squirming as it
ricochets along the walls!
Z gets up and runs, the tongue lapping towards him,
reminiscent of the stone sphere that nearly crushed Indiana
Jones in Raiders of the Lost Ark! The walls disintegrate
under the pressure of the tongue, which gets closer to
Z...closer...
...and just misses him as Z tumbles out of the stump and down
to the ground...Z sits there, dazed, as we see the huge form
of the anteater withdraw its tongue and, with a final
contented burp, shuffle off into the distance.
EXT. TERMITE STUMP - MORNING
Z makes his way across the corpse-strewn battlefield, an
expression of horror on his face.
BARBATUS (O.S.)
Z! Over here!
Z
(hopeful)
Barbatus?
Z looks down at his feet, where Barbatus's still-living,
decapitated head is looking up at him.
Z
(shocked)
Barbatus!
BARBATUS
Be honest, kid -- am I hurt bad?
Z
No, no, you're...lookin' good.
You've got good color in your cheeks.
BARBATUS
No -- I can see it in your eyes. I'm
a goner. It's alright, Z. In this
ant's army, a soldier's life ain't
worth a sack of fungus.
(he winces)
I can't feel my legs...
Z
Hang in there, buddy! You can make
it! Just -- take deep breaths, I'll
try and find your body -- it's gotta
be around here somewhere!
BARBATUS
(gasping)
I wonder...what...was it all...for...
Z
Barbatus, hang on -- Barbatus!!
BARBATUS
Don't make my mistake, kid...
don't...be a grunt...your whole
life...
Barbatus dies, leaving Z heartbroken.
CUT TO:
INT. EARLY MEGA-TUNNEL - DAY
Weaver is "passing" as a worker, working alongside much
smaller worker ants. He actually loves the work. He's
throwing up dirt like a bulldozer. He's so enthusiastic, he
scoops up a WHOLE ANT in his shovel and tosses him aside.
Azteca, who's standing next to him in line, is shocked by,
and a little attracted to, this turbo-worker.
AZTECA
Hey, slow it down, big boy. You're
making the rest of us look bad...How
come I haven't seen you around here
before?
WEAVER
(covering)
I'm new...I was born yesterday.
AZTECA
Tell me about it.
WEAVER
Nobody told me digging was so much
fun! You pick up the dirt, you move
it, you pick it up again, you move it
again -- lots of repetitions, you
exercise the forceps, and the
pincers --
AZTECA
(ogling him)
Mmm, yes, I see what you mean...
While Azteca is checking out the hunky new worker, work has
effectively stopped...clods are piling up behind Weaver. A
Foreman comes striding down the line, furious.
FOREMAN
What's the holdup here?!
Weaver whips his shovel up to his shoulder and salutes, as if
he's dealing with a superior officer.
WEAVER
Sorry, sir -- I was just having a
little chat with my friend --
FOREMAN
(yelling at Weaver)
Who said you could have a chat?
You're not a chatter, you're a
digger! So shut up and dig!
AZTECA
Leave him alone! He's new.
FOREMAN
You too? Well just for that, you
lose your day's rations! Now get
back to work!
The Foreman heads down the line, shoving and berating the
other workers as he goes along.
AZTECA
(surprised at herself)
I don't know what came over me,
talking back like that. I must be
going crazy...
WEAVER
Sorry I got you in trouble. But
listen, you can share my rations.
AZTECA
(flirting)
Are you asking me out to dinner?
WEAVER
(blushing)
No -- I mean yes -- I mean -- if you
don't have other plans.
AZTECA
I'll make myself available...Listen,
better watch out with the
backtalk. I don't know want you to
end up like the guy who used to work
next to me. I'm afraid he got...
downsized.
EXT. ANT MOUND - DAY
Some guard ants are looking out across the sandy main
entrance to the hive.
GUARD ANT
Look! They're back! The army's
back! Alert the colony!
The other ant starts ringing a bell, rushing down into the
colony.
CUT TO:
INT. TOWN CENTER - DAY
A huge crowd is forming, eager to welcome the army back. A
band is striking up a triumphant victory song, confetti and
streamers are being thrown, as General Formica strides in,
followed by Carpenter.
EXCITED ANTS
The army's returned! Our brave boys
are back! (etc.)
Everyone waves little flags as the tuba player Oompah-oompah-
oompahs...
...and Z walks into the hall, looking bedraggled and
exhausted, his helmet hanging over his ears.
The band slows to a halt.
At the edge of the crowd, Azteca, sitting on Weaver's
shoulders, can just about see over the crowd.
AZTECA
It looks like only one soldier made
it back!
Weaver looks distraught.
WEAVER
(to himself)
Poor Z -- I should never have let you
go!
Far down the hall, Z is describing the battle.
Z
It was horrible...a massacre, a
massacre upon a massacre. First we
massacred them, then they massacred
us, then it was halftime. I've never
seen such violence, such
bloodthirstiness, such bad
manners...I'm the only one that made
it!
The atmosphere is somber. This is a tough one to try and put
a spin on...but that doesn't stop Formica from trying.
FORMICA
ONE TO NOTHING! WE WIN!
The band strikes up again, and everyone cheers.
Z
No -- you -- you don't understand!
FORMICA
Damn, I'm proud of you, boy. I wish
I had a hundred ants of your caliber.
The world would tremble. Now, time
for some R and R. You're invited to
the royal victory party!
Z
Royal victory party? Will...will
Princess Bala be there?
FORMICA
Of course. The entire royal family
will be there to honor you.
Z
(thinks)
ONE TO NOTHING!
Renewed CHEERS, as Z is lifted onto the shoulder of some of
the soldiers who stayed behind.
AZTECA
Wait a minute, that's no soldier --
that's Z!
WEAVER
Z? Our Z? The little guy made it!
Z is following Formica away from the cheering crowd.
EXT. ABOVE TOWN CENTER - DAY
Z and Formica are going up the royal "stairway" together.
FORMICA
Son, you're an ant after my own
heart. A warrior. An ant that looks
death right in the face and laughs.
Z
Well, I generally just make
belittling comments and snicker
behind death's back. So, tell me,
fellow war-monger...do you think
Princess Bala likes men in uniform?
FORMICA
Well she better -- she's engaged to
one. Me!
Z
Engaged? As in you're getting
married?
FORMICA
Affirmative.
Z
So...you two are in love?
FORMICA
In love?
(shakes his head)
I'm just a plain old soldier at
heart. I'll tell you what I love --
the field -- blood -- death --
orders...and the company of other
warriors.
Formica gives Z a manly slap on the back. Z looks a little
uncomfortable as we...
CUT TO:
INT. THRONE ROOM - DAY
Z follows Formica and Carpenter into the throne room. At the
end of the hall, a society band is playing. The room is full
of courtier ants and officers.
Waiters are gliding around holding trays of hors d'ouevres.
Z
Wow, what a spread -- you know,
there's a food shortage in the rest
of the colony.
FORMICA
Yes, and do you know why there's a
food shortage?
Z
...Not enough food?
FORMICA
Negatory. Too many ants. And while
we soldiers go out there, and fight,
and bleed, and die for the colony,
the namby-pamby workers live it up
back home.
Feeling a little hot, Z wipes his brow.
Z
Well I, I don't think "living it up"
is the right term -- how about
"working themselves to death"?
FORMICA
I tell you son, sometimes, at night,
I see myself in battle, fighting a
horrible, faceless enemy, with the
future of our whole species at stake.
And always, the dream ends with each
of us plunging his sword into the
other's heart...
Z
(spooked)
Oh, hey, that's great, I think I see
an old war buddy over there, it's
been fun chatting. Good luck with
the hallucinations.
Z escapes from Formica, who gazes after him suspiciously.
Z mingles in with the crowd, then he sees Princess Bala
standing with a group of officers who are eating hors
d'oeuvres.
OFFICER
(telling a joke)
What do you call it when 10,000
workers are killed in a tunnel cave-
in?
(a beat)
Who cares? They're workers!
The officers laugh, but Bala looks bored in this stuffy
social scene.
Z
But...don't you think the worker
class is the very foundation of the
colony --
(realizes he's
getting odd looks)
I mean, uh, without them, who would
we stand on?
More laughter.
BALA
You're the hero of the recent termite
campaign, aren't you?
Z
Well, if single-handedly vanquishing
the enemy and slaughtering a whole
nestful of termites makes someone a
hero, yes I am.
Z reaches for a tray of canapes that a waiter is carrying by,
and KNOCKS the whole thing CLATTERING to the ground.
Z
(feigning nonchalance)
And you are...?
BALA
I'm Princess Bala.
Z
Ah, yes.
(affected)
Well, charmed, I'm sure. So,
Princess, have you ever danced with
a hero?
BALA
Yes.
Z
(deflated)
Oh...oh well then, one more won't
matter.
She moves towards the dance floor. Z spit-combs his
antennae, struts after her -- until he trips on his sword.
He tumbles, falls, but hops to his feet just as Bala turns
toward him, turning it into a ballet plies.
Z
Just warming up...
She frowns...there's something familiar about this guy. But
then they start dancing.
ACROSS THE ROOM: The Queen and General Formica watch the
party.
QUEEN
All these parties are so marvellously
alike.
FORMICA
They should be...
(suspicious)
But there's something funny about
that soldier.
Formica strides over to where Z and Bala are dancing.
FORMICA
(glowering)
May I cut in?
Z
(intimidated)
Oh, of course --
BALA
(pulling Z back)
No, General. I'm dancing with the
war hero.
Z
(trying to placate
Formica)
Uh, sorry, General, I...I've always
had this animal magnetism, it --
Bala YANKS Z back onto the dance floor, dancing away from
Formica.
BALA
You dance...
Z
Divinely?
BALA
No weirdly...You remind me of
someone...
Formica catches Bala's eye. She frowns at him, and decides
to get a little shocking.
BALA
He was swarthy...primitive...
earthy...sensual.
As she says these things, Z tries to act accordingly.
BALA
He was a worker. I danced with him
at a worker's bar just the other day.
I'm not shocking you, am I?
Z
(proudly)
No...as a matter of fact...
BALA
(shocked)
OH MY GOD, IT'S YOU! YOU'RE A
WORKER!!! A filthy, stupid,
disgusting WORKER!
Everybody gasps. The dancing stops cold.
Z
Gee, uh, could you say it a little
louder, I think there are some ants
in the next colony who didn't hear
you.
BALA
I CAN'T DANCE WITH A WORKER!
Z
(offended)
That's not what you said the other
night --
BALA
(now she's panicked)
Quiet -- sshhh!!
Z
(digging it in)
-- At the worker bar! You were
pretty hot to trot then!
BALA
SSHH!!! SSHH!!!
A livid Formica is stalking over towards them.
FORMICA
(furious)
What's this? A worker has been
masquerading as a war hero?!
Z
Well it wasn't a masquerade, really,
it was more what I'd call a clever
ruse --
FORMICA
ARREST HIM!
Z
Can't we all settle this like
adults -- we're not larvae anymore --
Angry officers begin to surround Z, who hides behind Bala in
fear, using her as a shield.
QUEEN
Oh my god! He's taking her hostage!
Z
No I'm not -- I mean -- nobody move!
Or the Princess gets it!
People shout and scream, as Z backs up with the
Princess...into the kitchen.
INT. KITCHEN - DAY
Z backs up into the kitchen, still pulling Bala along with
him. Here, ant chefs are preparing food for the party,
vomiting little florets onto a platter. Formica and the
soldiers follow them in.
Z
(to Formica)
Stay back, you lunatic! Do you think
I don't know how to use this?
Z realizes that he's pointing his finger at them.
Z
Uh-oh.
The officers rush for...and Z, with Bala in tow, falls
backwards into an opening marked, "GARBAGE".
EXT. ANT MOUND - DAY
HOLD ON: the GARBAGE CHUTE EXIT. Nothing happens for a
moment. Then --
From a distance, we hear the faint sound of SCREAMING,
dopplering closer --
-- and then Z and Bala come flying out of the exit, right
into the mud, cutting off the scream abruptly.
Bala sits up, coated in mud. Z is nowhere to be seen.
Because she's on top of him.
PRINCESS
This is thoroughly unacceptable!
Z
You're telling me...
She gets up and runs back towards the colony entrance, where
soldiers are already issuing to get her...
BALA
I'm coming! I'm coming!
But...just as Bala'a about to be rescued...what looks like a
gigantic LASER BEAM sweeps along the rim of the colony,
sizzling the ground as it moves along...and IGNITES the lead
soldier into FLAMES! Bala looks stunned.
Z watches in horror as another soldier ant is FRIED, and we
look up to see a GIGANTIC MAGNIFYING GLASS casting the
beam...we can just about make out the huge, grotesque figure
(a seven year old kid) holding it.
Bala, who has no idea what's really going on, turns from the
colony and runs the other way.
BALA
I'm going! I'm going'
...unfortunately, this draws the fire of the laser, which
follows after her in what looks like a strafing run, SIZZLING
in her footsteps.
Z, who's running towards the princess, suddenly realizes that
he's running towards certain doom...and joins Bala in legging
it away from the colony; under a brown leaf, which bursts
into flames...between the redwood-like stalks of some
flowers...and finally into the relative safety of some
grass...where they throw themselves on the ground, exhausted.
CUT TO:
EXT. WEED CLUMP - DAY
Z and Bala dust themselves off.
BALA
What was that thing?
Z
How should I know?
BALA
I order you to find out where we are!
Z
Alright, alright, I'll try to get
directions from one of the locals.
Z tries to flag down some passing bees.
Z
Excuse me, I --
(it passes him by;
he tries the next)
Pardon me --
(same response)
And they call them social insects.
BALA
Climb up that tree and get a better
view!
Bala points to a thin blade of grass. Gingerly, Z tests the
grass and starts climbing up it...but his weight bends it, so
that he's lowered back to the ground, face to upside-down
face with Bala.
BALA
I've been kidnapped by the village
idiot.
Z
Who's the bigger idiot -- the idiot
who gets kidnapped, or the idiot who
lets herself get kidnapped by the
idiot?
BALA
How dare you speak to me like that?
I'm the Princess!
Z squares up with her.
Z
Theoretically, yes. But is the
monarchical hierarchy applicable
without the underlying social
structure to support it?
BALA
Of course! It defines society! To
deny the precept is to say that order
is an arbitrary distinction applied
by the society itself!
Z
But can there be a society composed
of just two ants?
BALA
No! There's no such thing as "just
two ants." You never see just two
ants -- you see a million ants!
Z
Look around, sweetheart.
She looks around. She doesn't like what she sees. She
glowers at Z.
BALA
I -- hate -- you.
Z
Well I guess that makes us even.
BALA
Ha! Don't make me laugh. You're
crazy about me! That's why you lied
and cheated to get near me!
Z
Oh come on, you're the one who came
after me -- the swarthy, earthy,
sensual worker!
BALA
(repulsed)
I was slumming it! I danced with you
because you were the most pathetic
specimen in the place!
Z
Is that the same standard you used to
choose General Formica?
BALA
I didn't choose him. What kind of
idiot would...
(unconvincingly)
...choose who she wanted to marry?
She shakes herself out of it.
BALA
Now, worker, you shall take me back
to the colony, and have your head cut
off and stuck on a sharp pole!
Z
Well, that's an appealing offer,
but...considering the options...
(he decides)
You go back. Me, I'm going to
Insectopia.
BALA
Insectopia? You stupid worker,
that's just a fairy tale!
Z
Yeah, well I have it on a reliable
source...
(he knows that was
maybe stretching it)
that it exists. Now you follow
the yellow egg...
(looking around)
That direction.
BALA
Worker! Come back here now!
Z
I've got a name. It's Z.
BALA
That's not a name! That's just a
letter!
Z, meanwhile, hits the road. Bala has no idea of where to
go. Just then, the scariness of the outside world comes
through to her.
We start hearing NOISES -- the equivalent of scary jungle
sounds in a Tarzan movie -- the HISSING, CROAKING,
CHIRRUPING... Bala sees eyes looking out at her from all
directions...and spots a colossal monster (a sparrow) fixing
her with his beady gaze.
BALA
(clears her throat)
Worker?
(no response...louder
now)
Oh WORKER? Where are you?
(getting desperate)
Z? Z? Wait for me!!!
Bala heads off after Z.
INT. MEGA-TUNNEL - DAY
The mass of worker ants are swinging pick-axes in the tunnel.
The foreman moves up the line, BERATING the workers, yelling
at them to dig faster.
AZTECA
I tell ya, I'm gettin' sick of bein'
yelled at.
WORKER #1
What do you want, we're just workers.
WEAVER
You know, you're not just workers --
you can be whatever you want to be!
Look at Z! He started as a worker --
then he became a soldier!
AZTECA
That's right! He slaughtered
hundreds of termites single-handedly!
WORKER #2
I heard about this guy.
(turning to the other
workers)
He crashed a party at the palace.
Then he took a hike with one of the
royal babes! And when they tried to
stop him, he just looked at a
couple'a guards, and they burst into
flames!
WORKER ANT #1
You're nuts, how could a worker do
all that?
WEAVER
Well, because he's more than a
worker...he's a...what did he call
it, Azteca...
AZTECA
Invisible!
WEAVER
No -- an individual!
WORKER #2
What's that?
WEAVER
Well, it's...someone with his own
point of view...someone who does what
he wants, not whatever he's told to
do!
AZTECA
(eyes lit up,
watching Weaver)
Someone who follows his heart!
WEAVER
(taking Azteca's hand)
Right...because every ant's important!
WORKER #2
(scoffs)
But that would mean I'm important.
WORKER #1
I'm outta here, this sounds like
trouble to me.
But more ants are gathering 'round.
WEAVER
We can all be individuals! Just like
Z!
Weaver and Azteca hold hands. More ants are gathering
around, dropping their tools...
EXT. BIKE PATH - DAY
LONG SHOT. A glimmering desert landscape (think of "The
Sun's Anvil" in Lawrence of Arabia). Two small figures can
be seen, tiny dots moving across the arid whiteness.
They're Bala and Z, who are crossing a concrete path in the
park, which they perceive to be a "desert".
BALA
Water...water...
Z
Water...water -- oh, you already said
that.
BALA
(walking along)
My skin's dry, my exoskeleton is
cracking...I wish I'd never met you,
you ruined my life.
Z
I ruined your life? Look, I was
perfectly happy until I met you --
alright, I was miserable, but I was
happily miserable.
Over Z's line, we can see a GIGANTIC WHEEL, getting larger
and larger and heading right towards them, a GIGANTIC WHEEL
(the front wheel of a bicycle which is heading right towards
them).
BALA
Look out!
Bala pushes Z out of the way just as the wheel rolls past
with a cacophonous CRUNCHING, GRINDING noise -- like a
gigantic millwheel.
BALA
We're going to die!
Z
Come on -- it's gone! What are the
chances of that happening again?
No sooner has he said it than the rear wheel of the bike
thunders past.
Z
Well I'll be.
Bala notices that they're clutching one another in fear; she
pushes him away.
BALA
Why didn't I listen to my mother
...why'd I have to go looking for
trouble? Any ant would have given
their left legs to be in my
position...what's wrong with me?
Z
Want a list?
BALA
(urgent)
Wait, I hear something!
We can, in fact, hear a low, musical PLUNK.. there's a pause
and then we can hear it again...
Z and Bala walk over a rocky "dune" (the soft shoulder of the
path). Beyond, the grass starts up again. They have come to
the end of the "desert" (i.e. the other side of the path)
Through the blades of grass, we can see...
Z
It's...it's...
BALA
WATER!!!
EXT. LAKE - DAY
A LAKE (a puddle) stretches before them. It is, in fact, the
overflow of a drinking-fountain whose drain is jammed...as Z
and Bala run to the lake, water dribbles from the fountain
and into one edge of the pool (to the ants, it's a waterfall).
Bala and Z run to the edge of the water and start slurping.
They smile at each other, until they remember that they don't
like each other.
Z
This lake is huge! And so close to
the colony! Think of the vacation
potential!
BALA
Cut me down a soft leaf so I can take
a nap.
Z
Listen, "Princess", you can't order
me around. Out here, you're not the
boss anymore -- out here, you're
just --
-- But before he can finish, a water droplet from the
fountain falls on him. It may not sound like much, but to Z
it's as though a ten-foot diameter sphere of jello had
engulfed him.
Z's stuck inside because of the surface tension of the
droplet, which doesn't burst, just quivers up and down.
Inside, Z is slowly, frantically drowning and screaming for
help. But his screams are muffled in the water.
BALA
(annoyed)
Out here I'm just what?
Z
(through the water)
Hlllllllp!
BALA
(hands on hips)
Stop fooling around in there.
By now the droplet has started rolling, and Z is being turned
upside-down. He manages to get one foreleg out of the
droplet, and, in a frantic attempt to pull himself out, pulls
Bala in by the leg.
BALA
Let me go!!!
But it's too late -- they're now both stuck in the droplet,
and, as Z continues to drown, he also has to deal with Bala
yelling at him -- though we can't hear exactly what it. is
she's yelling through the water.
Then, having run out of air, she too starts thrashing,
alternately trying to swim and trying to slap him as Z tries
to defend himself. Finally all this commotion is enough to
make the droplet burst, spilling the two coughing,
sputtering, drenched ants onto the ground.
They both lie there, miserable, wet, and cold.
BALA
(chants to herself)
I'm going to be rescued soon. I'm
going to be rescued soon. I'm going
to be rescued soon.
Z watches her incredulously.
Z
Princess, has it ever occurred to you
that they're not going to rescue you?
BALA
General Formica won't let me die out
here. I'm his fiancee.
Z
Look. How many other Princesses are
there?
BALA
Five thousand three hundred and
ninety -- no. About five thousand
four hundred by now.
Z
And only you can become a Queen?
BALA
Well...no, but --
Z
So what makes you so special?
BALA
(hesitates)
Well...I am the oldest.
Bala turns from Z. She's thinking things over, realization
dawning on her.
BALA
By three seconds...
She looks out into the grass forest.
BALA
(to herself)
You're right. There are as many
Princesses...as there are blades of
grass.
Z, overhearing her, slowly puts his hand on her shoulder.
INT. MEGA-TUNNEL - DAY
Formica and Carpenter are walking into the entrance of the
tunnel with a squad of soldiers.
FORMICA
Dammit, this tunnel is priority A-1!
We can't afford any delays on this
project!
CARPENTER
I've never seen anything like it,
General, they're they're...well, look!
Ahead of them, a group of a few hundred workers have stopped
work and are sitting down, chanting...
WORKER ANTS
Z! Z! Z! Z!
A worker moves forward to join the strikers, tossing down his
tool.
FOREMAN
(yelling at him)
Where do ya think you're going? Get
back to work!
WORKER #1
Buzz off, I'm important!
(joining the others)
Z! Z! Z! Z!
At the center of the group, Weaver and Azteca are holding
hands, leading the chant.
FORMICA
Notice the big one, holding hands
with the female?
CARPENTER
Well, uh, who notices workers, sir?
FORMICA
(calculating)
No one should have to. Have him
brought to me.
INT. FORMICA'S CHAMBERS - NIGHT
A nervous Weaver is sitting across from Formica, flanked by
a couple of stoic guards. Carpenter stands smiling by the
side door. There is no obvious threat to Weaver, but the
atmosphere is truly intimidating.
FORMICA
So this Z...he fancies himself an
individual?
WEAVER
Yeah...I mean...well...I don't know,
really, sir.
FORMICA
(patronizing)
Well now you haven't fallen for this
silly idea of individuality, have
you?
WEAVER
Oh, no, sir!
FORMICA
Good. You're a good soldier.
WEAVER
Thank you, sir.
Weaver begins to relax a bit.
FORMICA
So tell me. Where's Z?
WEAVER
I...I have no idea, sir.
FORMICA
Okay, son.
He pats Weaver on the shoulder.
FORMICA
We know what makes an ant colony
strong, don't we? We know that no
ant can be an individual. No single
ant matters, right?
WEAVER
(enthusiastically)
That's correct, sir!
FORMICA
(points at a guard)
Not that one.
(another guard)
Or that one.
WEAVER
No, sir!
Formica nods at Carpenter, who smiles and opens a door. Two
soldiers walk in, holding Azteca. The color drains from
Weaver's face.
FORMICA
(calmly, with
satisfaction)
Or that one? Her life doesn't
matter, does it?
AZTECA
Don't tell that tightass anything,
Weaver!
Weaver starts to get up, but the guards behind him hold him
down.
WEAVER
Wait! Just let her go! Z's long
gone anyway, following some golden
egg to Insectopia! You'll never
catch him!
Formica's face lights up.
FORMICA
Insectopia, hunh?...See why
individuality is so dangerous? It
can always be used against you.
(to the guards)
If this sissy here wants to dig,
he'll dig. Send them both back to
the tunnel project. Double their
workload.
The guards exit with Weaver and Azteca.
FORMICA
What do we have on this "Insectopia"?
CARPENTER
Scattered reports, sir. Rumors.
Nothing reliable.
FORMICA
Desperate times call for desperate
measures. Get me Ant Team Six.
CARPENTER
(frightened)
Ant Team Six...
EXT. GRASS JUNGLE - DAY
Z and Bala are lost, wandering through the grass
BALA
(looking hopeless)
I swear, we've passed this blade of
grass three times.
Z keeps marching on.
BALA
Face it, Z, we're lost! We must have
walked halfway across the world by
now! How did I get into this mess...
Z
(too shy to look at
her)
Come on...tell me there wasn't just
a little...something between us that
first night at the bar. The night we
danced.
BALA
(sadly)
What difference does it make...we're
both going to starve to death, or get
squished, or set on fire...
But Z is just gawking. The shot expands to show that they
have stumbled onto...
Z
...The land of red and white...
EXT. FALSE INSECTOPIA - DAY
A PICNICGROUNDS...A red and white picnic blanket, which to
the ants looks like a vast, undulating pavilion, stretches
before them. They gaze up at two obelisks: a salt and pepper
shaker.
Behind that is a gigantic tupperware jar full of potato
salad, and sandwiches stacked high. It all looks perfect,
with the clean lines and monumental proportions of fascist
architecture. In fact, it looks a little too perfect.
Z
We've found it! Insectopia! Look at
all this food'
BALA
(amazed)
You were right...you were right!
(smiling happily)
Z, it's beautiful!
Z
Let's dig in!
Z goes over to a gigantic sandwich, but -- BOOIIING! -- he's
prevented from getting at it by the saran wrap covering it.
Z
There's - there's some kind of force
field!
Bala joins him, laboring against the saran wrap. Then both
of them hear laughter from above.
MALE WASP (O.S.)
(lockjawed accent)
Muffy, look, party-crashers.
FEMALE WASP (O.S.)
(laughing)
They're simply too much, Chip!
Bala and Z look up to see two large, yellow WASPS hovering in
the air above them. The husband and wife wasps have
lockjawed, William F. Buckleyesque accents.
MALE WASP
(to Z and Bala)
You down there, haven't you ever been
to a picnic?
Z
Hunh?
FEMALE WASP
Habla Ingles?
(to Male Wasp)
Well I really don't know who they are.
Z
We're ants!
The Male Wasp zooms in closer.
MALE WASP
Poopsie, we know some ants, don't we?
(to Z)
Are you related to the Fifth Avenue
ants?
FEMALE WASP
Darling, do you have to talk to any
insect from off the street?
MALE WASP
Just being friendly, Poopsie.
BALA
Hello? I'm not just "any insect".
My mother is the Queen.
(momentously)
I'm Princess Bala!
MALE WASP
(under his breath)
They're Eurotrash, dear.
We hear a loud RUMBLING noise -- the family is about to sit
down for their picnic lunch. Gigantic hands reach down and
pull away the "force fields".
MALE WASP
Lunch!
(to Z)
A little piece of advice, sport --
bob and weave! Bob and weave!
BALA
What do you mean?
MALE WASP
Well -- like my father used to say --
there's no such thing as a free meal!
The wasps dive in to the picnic, darting in for a bite, and
then dashing away again...
THE WASPS
Excuse me -- I'll have some potato
salad -- thank-you! -- don't mind if
I do! After you! (etc.)
-- But all is not well. We pull back to reveal that Z and
Bala are standing in front of a giant sneaker logo, which is
attached to a giant sneaker. Which moves.
Z
I sort of imagined Insectopia a
little differently --
Just at that moment, we hear a whistling in the air -- and
the female wasp is crushed by a huge swatter that sweeps out
of the sky, sending the picnic blanket billowing up in an
aftershock that throws Bala and Z to the ground.
BALA
Oh...my...God.
MALE WASP
(shaking her)
Muffy! Muffy! Wake up!
But she doesn't move. The Male Wasp stares up at the sky.
MALE WASP
(heartbroken)
WHYYYYYYYYYYYYY????
But Z, also looking up, has no time to commiserate.
Z
Bala, look out!!
They are only saved by the fact that they are so small - .the
holes of the swatter pass over them.
The woman, realizing that the swatter won't work on ants,
throws it to the side and tries stomping on them...
Before Bala can get away, a sneaker falls on her with a
thunderous BOOM that shakes the ground.
BALA
MMMffllmmm...
The shoe rises, as the person wearing it steps away...and we
see that Bala is stuck in one of the ridges of the waffle-
soled sneaker, adhering to a big piece of bubblegum!
BALA
Z! Help me!!!
But Bala is carried off on the sneaker in a huge, looping,
ferris-wheel-like motion. BOOM. The sneaker on which Bala
is stuck falls again, as the woman tries to step on Z, too --
Z
Bala!
(mournfully)
I'll never see her again...
-- But he does, instantly, as the shoe rises again, showing
Bala stuck deeper in the bubblegum --
BALA
Z!!! Get me out of heeeeere!
-- The woman has decided to walk away from the picnic to get
the bubblegum off her shoe...Z heart sinks as the shoe Bala's
stuck on lopes off into the distance...
Z
(thinks)
These things always come in twos...
He sees a SECOND SHOE starting to rise --
Z
Take me to your leader!
Z runs towards the shoe as it rises... and at the last moment
catches on to the snaky, swinging shoe-lace.
Z
Whoooooooaaaa!!!
The sneaker lifts off into the air, with Z holding on for
dear life to the lace, and getting further and further away
from Bala as he's drawn to a vertiginous height...the
landscape can be seen rolling and pitching crazily in the
background...
Z
Bala! Come back here!
For a moment, the sneaker seems to pause in the air...then it
descends again, in a stomach-churning, roller-coaster free-
fall as the sneaker on which Bala is stuck rises up again...
BALA
Z!!!!!!! I'm stuck!
-- But Z is trying to keep his lunch down as he descends.
The sneaker hits the ground, and Z can feel himself
again...it's now or never.
Z
(Tarzan whoop)
Aa-ee-ya-ee-yaaaaaaaah!!!!!!!
As the sneaker rises again, he swings off the lace, hurtling
through the air and catching one of the laces of Bala's
sneaker...the momentum swings him up and under the sole...
BALA
Z! You're here!
Z gets smashed into the bubblegum next to Bala. Now he's
stuck too.
Z
(ruefully)
Yeah. I'm here.
The sneaker descends again. Z and Bala hold hands and SCREAM
as they see the ground rise too meet them...
THUD! They're squished deeper into the bubblegum. The
sneaker rises again...
BALA
(emotional)
Z...if we don't make it...I just want
you to know....
Z
(touched)
Yes?
BALA
This is all your fault!!!
The sneaker rises, and seems ready to fall again...but
instead it just hovers there. (The person wearing it is
balancing on one leg and about to scrape off the bubblegum
with a penny).
Z
We're safe...
Just then, the hand holding the penny looms up...the penny
is, by ant standards, about sixty feet high. The huge image
of Abraham Lincoln stares down at them.
Z
Who the hell is that?!!!
The penny starts scrapes the bubblegum off the sneaker,
bringing Bala and Z along with it. They're carried through
the air as the penny gets thrown away...turning over and over
in a lopsided orbit as Bala and Z SCREAM...
...and land with a CRASH in total darkness.
EXT. LAKE - DAY
The "lake" where Z and Bala were nearly drowned by the water
droplet.
The earth shakes as a HUGE, MONSTROUS creature approaches the
lake - and begins to drink from it. The creature seems to
hear something, and, growling, turns its ugly head. It's a
Pomeranian, one of those yappy little lap-dogs -- but seen
from ant perspective, it's something out of a horror movie.
TOUGH VOICE (O.S.)
Ant Team Six -- take him out!
The monster bears its huge fangs at the approaching
intruders -- a bunch of flying ants who look as though
they're attacking the Death Star!
The monster rears and snaps at two of the ants, who are
making a diversionary run...
and then gets it from the rest of the ants, who land on his
soft, wet nose and start stinging away like crazy.
The monster rears back in pain -- and runs away, YIPPING!
The members of ANT TEAM SIX, a crack team of hardcore flying-
ant commandoes a la Seal Team Six, break off the attack and
land.
MAJOR MANDIBLE
And don't come back, you sissy!
MAJOR MANDIBLE, Ant Team Six's lethal commander, steps into
frame. He's the one-eyed killer we met in the bar earlier.
The rest of his team fan out to search the area.
MANDIBLE
Talk to me.
COMMANDO ANT
Z and the Princess were here, sir.
Signs of a struggle.
MANDIBLE
Let's get a read on that feremone
track.
COMMANDO ANT #1
(to the others)
Get the sniffer!
Two other commandoes come running up with what looks like a
piece of machinery on a tripod -- only it's an ant -- a
highly specialized, blind ant with an incredibly acute sense
of smell.
TRACKER ANT
Bala...find Bala...
The tracker, drool running out of its long proboscis, sniffs
the air and starts signalling like a geiger counter...
TRACKER ANT
(as he's swivelled)
Nnononononononoyeahyeahnononononono
no...
Finally the tracker stops swivelling, pointing in one
direction and saying, "Yeahyeahyeahyeah..."
COMMANDO ANT #3
Got 'em! Ten clicks from here!
MANDIBLE
Z -- you dirt-digging, fancy-dancing,
wisecracking, royalty-grabbing, rebel
SCUM!
(yelling into the
distance)
I AM COMING FOR YOU! YOU ARE ONE
DEAD ANT, MISTER!
Mandible's muscles bulge. The veins in his head throb. This
is one ass-kicking ant. Even Mandible's troops look scared
of him.
MANDIBLE
Let's MOVE! GO, people! GO! GO!
GO! GO! GO!
Ant Team Six takes to the air, heading in the direction
indicated by the tracker ant.
INT. TRASH BAG - DAY
Darkness. Out of it we hear the voices of Z and Bala.
BALA
Come on, Z.
Z
Forget it. You go ahead, I give up.
I...I don't know what I was thinking.
"Insectopia".
In one corner of the screen, we can see an irregular little
hole through which a shaft of light is falling. Bala
proceeds towards it, the hole appears to get bigger and
bigger...
Z
(defeated)
There's only one thing worse than an
ant who goes around mindlessly
following orders, and that's an ant
who's too dumb to go around
mindlessly following orders.
Bala stops...she notices that they're being watched. She's
emerging from a tied off garbage bag -- the yellow ties loop
away gracefully. Bala and Z have been tossed into a garbage
area. And above them and below them, peering from garbage
cans, recycling containers, bags, etc., a multi-cultural
assortment of insects are regarding them.
A laid-back FLY voices their thoughts.
FLY
What's with the bummer attitude?
A nearby BUTTERFLY joins in.
BUTTERFLY
Yeah -- nobody stresses out in
Insectopia!
BALA
Did you say...
Z
(joining Bala)
...Insectopia?
Z and Bala look around. Just to get things straight, the
garbage dump doesn't look disgusting -- that would be seeing
it through human eyes. Instead, we're looking at it through
ant eyes -- and, reimagined this way, it's Paradise. Not the
ordered, sterile, paradise of the picnic, but an earthly land
of plenty.
The sides of the plastic garbage bags are sheer, reflective
walls of smoothest obsidian...the garbage cans are gigantic,
thick metal columns put there by the gods (think the
pyramids); a coke bottle, refracting the sunlight into a
gorgeous rainbow, trickles a fountain of sweet nectar into
the pink, bittersweet flesh of a grapefruit half, which
appears as a multi-chambered concave dome. Everywhere,
insects are disporting themselves -- a multi- species love-in
that's like an insect version of Woodstock.
Bala and Z are awe-struck. Bala turns to Z.
BALA
(happily)
Z, we made it!
FLY
(alighting on the
grapefruit)
C'mon in! The nectar's fine!
Like a kid at an amusement park, Z slides down the smooth
side of the garbage bag, whooshing this way and that until he
slides into one end of a straw (a red and white striped
tunnel), and is shot out...
Z
Yippeeeeee!
...into a bottle-cap filled with lemonade, which he
alternately drinks and swims through...
Down at the bottlecap, Z is drying himself off. Then he
sees, emerging from behind a lemon peel, a gigantic TERMITE.
Z
(terrified)
AAAAAGH!!!
Surprisingly, the termite seems equally terrified...
FLY
(to Z)
Hey, take it easy! There's nothin'
to be afraid of!
Z
Yeah, well, I make it a practice not
to trust anyone who shoots acid out
of their forehead.
CRICKET
Dude, here in Insectopia, we don't
judge people by how many arms and
legs we've got.
FLY
Yeah, back home, they called me a
fruitfly. But here, I'm known
as...
(with attitude)
Superfly.
CRICKET
Anyway, big Gus is mellow.
The termite sticks his hand out. A drop of acid drips from
his head and splashes at Z's feet.
Z
(taking his hand,
disgusted)
Charmed.
Z reaches out and shakes the termite's hand, as Bala watches,
smiling.
CUT TO:
EXT. INSECTOPIA - NIGHT
The insects are having a cookout, their faces illuminated by
the still-red ember of a match. Platters heaped with food
lie untouched as they pat their bellies...
Z and Bala sit next to one another, smiling shyly as if they
had just met for the first time.
Z
So...you never did tell me...what
made you come out to the worker bar
that night?
BALA
Just looking for fun, adventure,
trouble, I guess.
Z
Well, "trouble" is my middle name.
Actually, my middle name is .985,
but I don't tell people. Hey, Bala,
I...I actually have something of
yours...you left it at the bar that
night.
Z takes out Bala's scarf, which he's been keeping folded in
a pocket.
Z
Sorry, it's been through a war, not
to mention everything else...
BALA
You held onto this all that time?
Z
Well, I...I know it's a little
strange, but...I thought it might
come in handy if I...needed a scarf
someday.
(embarrassed)
Well, to be honest, I just liked
having it.
He hands it back to her. Bala looks at Z, frankly, openly.
For a moment Z is shy. Then he looks at her too. They're
two lovers, leaning closer, about to have their first kiss,
when --
BEETLE
Hey Z!
The moment is wrecked. Z looks up. A chubby beetle stands
there with Gus the termite.
BEETLE
Wanna bring back dessert? There's a
thirty foot long blimp in the next
can, made completely of chocolate!
Z
(annoyed)
Sure. I wasn't busy or anything.
Z gets up to go with them.
Z
Great timing, guys. Ever wonder why
they call you "pests"?
EXT. INSECTOPIA, TOP OF CAN - NIGHT
As Ant Team Six lands and takes up position above the feast.
The tracker ant is going nuts.
TRACKER ANT
Yesyesyesyesyes --
One of the commandoes puts his hand over the tracker's mouth
to shut him up. Mandible communicates with his troops by
pulling down his one functional antenna and gruffly
whispering into it, as though it were one of those commando
headsets. His troops do likewise.
MANDIBLE
Talk to me.
COMMANDO #1
I've got a read on the Princess --
but target Z isn't accounted for.
MANDIBLE
Let's move in.
EXT. INSECTOPIA - NIGHT
Back at the feast, a cricket strums on his legs like a
guitar, opining about life and the universe to a bunch of
other chilled-out, hippyesque insects...Bala taps her feet to
the song.
CRICKET
What if, like...we're just these tiny
little things, and we're just like
part of this whole other huge
universe, that's like, so big we
don't even know it exists?
LADYBUG
Man...that's so deep...
At that moment Ant Team Six rapels down from the top of the
garbage bin, landing amongst the insects.
MANDIBLE
EVERYBODY DOWN!
The cricket gets up to confront Mandible, but Mandible cold
cocks him with a right to the jaw. The other insects, too
surprised to fight, just do as they're told.
MANDIBLE
Alright, you hippy scum! Make one
move and I'll exterminate you!
A couple of commandoes grab Bala by the arms and heave her up.
BALA
Stop! You don't understand!
MANDIBLE
I don't have to understand, Missy --
I've got orders. Now where's Z?
CUT TO:
INT. INSECTOPIA - NIGHT
Z, the termite, the beetle and the fly are happily carrying
a huge M&M back to the feast.
FLY
Man, your girl is fly, know what I'm
saying?
Z
(overdoing it)
Oh, Bala? I guess she's okay, you
know, for a princess. I mean, I
usually date queens, or you know,
empresses, because sometimes the
lesser nobility are too much in awe
of my smouldering sensuality. Please
stop me if I'm making you feel
inadequate.
They throw down the M&M, which lands with a THUD. Z notices
that the rest of the insects look spooked.
Z
What's the matter? This place is as
cheery as a Roach Motel at check-out
time.
Z looks around.
LADYBUG
Bala's been kidnapped! Some flying
ants took her back to the colony!
Z
She's been kidnapped?! But I can't
live without her!
Z just stands there, heartbroken.
Z
(determined)
I'm going back. I've got to get her.
Who'll come with me?
Z looks around. Nobody's volunteering. Nothing but sheepish
looks and shuffling from the insects of Insectopia.
Z looks disheartened. He's about to leave when --
MALE WASP (O.S.)
I'll go.
The male wasp is hovering nearby.
Z
(surprised)
You?!
MALE WASP
I know what it's like to lose
someone...I keep hearing the sound of
Muffy's flapping wings...so I'll take
you.
Z hops on the wasp's back.
Z
Let's go, pal!
The wasp takes off, leaving the other insects looking a
little chastized.
FLY
Geez. I feel like a real stinkbug.
CUT TO:
EXT. SKY ABOVE COLONY - MORNING
The wasp and Z fly high above the colony...
Z
Wow...I never saw things this way...
From here, we can see the whole layout of the land around the
colony...the "desert" (an asphalt path) and across it, the
"lake" (the overflowing water fountain)
Z
Things look so close together from up
here...there's the desert...and the
lake...
(thinking about
something)
it's not far from the colony at all...
Suddenly, the wasp bounces up and down in the air.
MALE WASP
Sorry. Turbulence.
INT. FORMICA'S CHAMBERS - DAY
Formica sits at his desk, going over some plans. Formica's
chambers are located inside a snake skull, with the eye
sockets serving as windows, and the mouth serving as a door.
The walls are hung with trophies -- the heads of other
insects.
Ant Team Six burst in the doors of Formica's office, carrying
the struggling and kicking Bala. One of the commandoes sets
the tracker ant one the floor...then Formica gets up from his
desk as the commandoes bring the princess to him.
FORMICA
Princess Bala. Good.
(with urgency)
Where's Z?
Bala replies warily.
BALA
He's...he's dead.
(covering for Z)
You don't have to look for him
anymore. He was eaten by a praying
mantis.
FORMICA
(regretfully)
It's a shame he died prematurely...I
was hoping to kill him myself.
BALA
Well you'll never be able to hurt him
where he is now.
(sadly)
I miss him already.
FORMICA
(surprised)
You miss him? Why?
BALA
(angry)
Because...because he's twice the ant
that you are. I could never go
through with marrying you. I'm --
I'm an individual, and when I get
married, it'll be to someone I choose.
The soldiers look shocked. For a moment, Formica looks
furious. Then he just shrugs.
FORMICA
(shaking his head)
Princess Bala, I'm just a simple old
soldier, and the ways of the feminine
mind are a little too complex for me.
But one thing I do know is, there are
more Princesses where you came from.
I just hope they're not all like you.
In the meantime, maybe we can arrange
for you to see Z again after all.
He gestures to the commandoes, who drag her out the door. We
notice that the tracker ant has been left behind.
EXT. ANT MOUND - DAY
Z hops down from the wasp, who has landed near the entrance
to the colony.
MALE WASP
Good luck, Z. For a wingless insect,
you're alright by me.
Z
Thanks, Chip.
They shake hands and the wasp flies off.
Z
(to himself)
How am I going to get in? The place
is crawling with soldiers!
Z starts for the nearest entrance -- but he's spotted by a
couple of SOLDIER ANTS.
SOLDIER ANT
You there! Worker!
Z's caught -- it's over. He turns around with his hands up.
Z
Don't bite! I surrender!
SOLDIER ANT
What are you doing out here! All
workers are to remain inside the
colony, by orders of General Formica!
Z can't believe his luck -- and his curiosity is piqued.
Z
(heading inside)
Well...if you insist...
INT. MEGATUNNEL - DAY
The Queen, with Formica striding at her side, is carried by
a personal escort of fifty or so struggling workers to the
bottom end of the Mega Tunnel, where a red ribbon waits to be
cut.
QUEEN
Very impressive, General.
Behind her, hundreds of thousands of workers are crowded,
looking confused and expectant. Some of them clutch little
flags and noisemakers...
MANDIBLE
Wave that flag, you maggot!
...which we see are being handed out to them by Ant Team Six.
FORMICA
Is there anything wrong, your majesty?
The Queen is looking around unhappily.
QUEEN
It's just...How I miss Bala. I wish
she were here for this special moment.
Formica warmly places his hand on the Queen's shoulder.
FORMICA
(falsely supportive)
She is, your majesty. She is.
The CAMERA heads up the long, long tunnel, where we see...
INT. MID SKYLIGHT TUNNEL
Bala, tied and gagged. She's at the point in the Megatunnel
where it begins to curve upwards towards the surface. She
struggles against her bonds, but can't get loose.
CUT TO:
INT. ANT MOUND - DAY
Elsewhere in the colony, a column of soldiers marches by, and
we hear the TROMP-TROMP-TROMP of their boots. When they've
gone, Z pokes his head out from behind a pile of dirt...he
heads in the opposite direction of the soldiers...
INT. OUTSIDE FORMICA'S CHAMBERS - DAY
Z creeps around the outside of Formica's chambers. This part
of the colony seems to be deserted.
Z
Geez, this place really empties out
in August. Where is everybody?
Z walks up to the skull that houses Formica's chambers and
peeks in the eye socket.
INT. FORMICA'S CHAMBERS
Inside, the Tracker Ant, who's been left behind, switches
"on", eyes glowing. Z enters the chamber cautiously.
TRACKER ANT
(sniffing)
Z! Z! I smell Z!
For a moment, Z's afraid. Then he sees the small Tracker Ant
doesn't seem hostile.
Z
You "smell" me? Well look, I -- I've