The Cable Guy
by Judd Apatow
Based on a Screenplay by
Lou Holtz Jr.
Shooting Script October 31, 1995 (White)
Revised Pages November 13, 1995 (Blue)
Revised Pages November 14, 1995 (Pink)
1 FULL FRAME - WHITE NOISE
Credits begin. The entire frame is filled with white noise within which one can make out thefaint
image of a television program. Every few moments the channel changes, revealing a new ghostly
image.
The camera pulls back very slowly. We reveal that this image is coming from a twenty seven inch
television.
The camera pulls back some more and we see a man's hand enter frame holding a remote
control. The hand changes channels frantically.
The camera pulls back into its final position and we see STEVEN BARTOWSKY, thirty
years old, sitting on his couch. He is trying to find a channel with viewable reception.
Unfortunately for him ?his cable is not hooked up.
STEVE
(looks at watch)
Jesus, where's the cable guy already?
END OF CREDIT SEQUENCE
1A INT. STEVEN'S APARTMENT - CONTINUOUS
It is a stylish old apartment. There are half unpacked boxes strewn about the floor. Steven has just
moved in. The phone rings.
STEVEN
(into the phone)
Hello.
2 NEWSROOM - CONTINUOUS
We see Steven's best friend RICK standing in the middle of a busy newsroom. He is a rough
looking, cynical local news cameraman. In the background, hanging from the ceiling is a television
set.
ON THE TV - An anchorman sits at his desk fixing his hair as he waits to go on the air. A graphic
on the screen says "Sam Sweet Trial Update."
RICK
How's the move going?
3 INT. STEVEN'S APARTMENT - CONTINUOUS
Steven unpacks as they speak. The phone call intercuts between the two locations.
STEVEN
Horrible. The cable guy is missing in
action. Apparently he's going to be here
sometime between eight AM and my death.
RICK
You haven't called Robin have you?
Please tell me you didn't call her.
STEVEN
(sarcastically)
No, I'm giving her space.
(beat)
I can't believe she's doing this.
RICK
You never should have asked her to marry
you. You're the mad smotherer.
STEVEN
All she had to do was say no. She didn't
have to kick me out. I feel like Felix
Unger.
RICK
You forced her to evaluate the
relationship. If you didn't propose she
would never have realized how unhappy she
was.
STEVE
I don't want to talk about it.
So what time are you going to come by?
RICK
I can't. I'm working double shifts the
rest of the week.
STEVEN
It's my first night here. Don't do this
to me.
RICK
The other camera guy pulled out his back.
Besides, I spent the last two weeks with
you on my couch. Isn't that enough?
STEVEN
Fine, fine.
RICK
One piece of advice. Slip the cable guy
fifty bucks, he'll give you all the movie
channels for free. Even the dirty ones.
STEVEN
I couldn't. I'm not good at that stuff.
What if he says no? I'll feel like an
idiot.
RICK
None of them say no, believe me. I'll
talk to you later.
Steven hangs up, and waits.
DISSOLVE TO:
4 INT. STEVEN'S LIVING ROOM - LATER
Steven continues unpacking. He is very neat. He opens a box and finds a pictures of him with his
ex-girlfriend. He looks at one sadly, considering whether or not to put it on display. He puts it
back in the box.
4A EXT. STEVEN'S APARTMENT BUILDING - DAY
Establishing shot of a renovated apartment building built in the nineteen twenties. A moving truck
pulls into a gated side garage.
5 INT. STEVEN'S APARTMENT - LATER
Movers deliver a small breakfast table and chairs. Steven directs them as to where to put them.
CLOSE UP OF CLOCK - 3:52 P.M.
6 INT. STEVEN'S APARTMENT - LATER
Steven puts a few feet of tin foil on his antenna to help the reception. He changes channels. Still
nothing. He pulls it off frustrated.
7 INT. STEVEN'S LIVING ROOM - LATER
Many of the boxes are gone. Steven lies on the couch, staring at the ceiling, fidgeting. He is unable
to fill his day without cable.
STEVEN
Where the hell is he?
8 INT. STEVEN'S APARTMENT - LATER
Steven paces back and forth across the room. He stares at his watch frequently.
CLOSE UP OF CLOCK - 5:12 P.M.
9 INT. STEVEN'S APARTMENT - LATER
Steven slowly eats a sandwich in his empty kitchen. He looks at the clock. It says five-thirty. He
picks up the phone and dials. A machine picks up.
ROBIN (VO)
Hi, this is Robin. Leave a message. If
you are trying to reach Steven he can now
be reached at 555-3837.
Steven hangs up.
10 INT. STEVEN'S APARTMENT - SUNSET
Steven does sit ups. He looks at the clock.
CLOSE UP OF THE CLOCK - 6:48 P.M.
STEVEN
(to himself)
Forget it. Idiots.
He gets up, and walks into the bathroom.
11 INT. BATHROOM - MOMENTS LATER
Steven gets undressed. He turns on the shower, adjusts the heat, then gets in. He tries to lose his
tension by letting the hot water engulf him. He takes some shampoo, and lathers up his hair.
THE DOORBELL RINGS
STEVEN
(annoyed)
Oh great.
THE DOORBELL RINGS SEVERAL TIMES
Steven jumps out of the shower, soaking wet, throws on a bathrobe and runs to the door.
STEVEN
Don't leave! I'm here! I'm here!
12 INT. STEVEN'S LIVING ROOM - CONTINUOUS
Steven runs to the door.
CABLE GUY (OS)
Hello! Cable Guy!
Steven reaches the door, and looks through the peep-hole.
P.O.V. THROUGH THE PEEPHOLE
The CABLE GUY is walking away.
INT. STEVEN'S LIVING ROOM/HALLWAY - DAY
Steven opens the door and yells to the Cable Guy.
(Revised 11/14/95 - Pink)
STEVEN
Hey, wait!
The Cable Guy turns back.
CABLE GUY
Well, look who decided to show up. I was
just gonna go collect my retirement
pension.
The Cable Guy wears a clean white jump suit, and is extremely confident despite the fact that he
speaks with a slight lisp. This lisp gives him a child-like quality.
STEVEN
You were supposed to be here four hours
ago.
CABLE GUY
Was I? So I'm the tardy one. Good to
know.
STEVEN
Yes. I had to go to the Bed 'n Bath
place, but now it's closed.
CABLE GUY
(turns to leave)
Maybe I shouldn't have come at all ?jerk
off!
(turns back smiling)
I'm just joking. Let's do this.
(looks around)
Oh, the old McNair place. I never thought
they'd get the floors clean after what
happened here.
STEVEN
What happened?
CABLE GUY
(long beat)
They had a lot of cats.
They walk into Steven's living room.
CABLE GUY
Hey, this could be a cool pad. Here is a
comment card.
He pulls out a card, and hands it to Steven without turning back to look at him.
CABLE GUY
Please mail it in when I am done.
STEVEN
These go to your boss?
CABLE GUY
No, they go to me. I'm a
perfectioniss?perfectioniss?
(he strains to lose his lisp)
perfectioniss卼.
Now let's take a look at what we're
dealing with.
The Cable Guy walks around the room with his hands out, sensing the space.
CABLE GUY
Come on baby. Come on baby. Talk to me
baby. Tell me where you like it. That's
it baby.
He zones in on one wall. He fells the wall in a sensuous manner.
CABLE GUY
Here's your sweet spot.
He pulls out his drill, and begins drilling.
CABLE GUY
So your lady kicked you out.
STEVEN
What?
CABLE GUY
In preparing your service I noticed you
were previously wired across town at 1268
and a half Chestnut. Last week the
billing was transferred to one Robin
Harris. Smells like heartbreak to me.
STEVEN
I really don't want to talk about it with
you. Could you please just install my
cable? I'm going to get dressed.
CABLE GUY
No sweat.
Steven walks away, into the hallway. A moment later the Cable Guy runs to him.
CABLE GUY
Hey, I'm going to go to the hallway so I
can access the floorboards. Don't be
spooked if you hear someone crawling
underneath you.
STEVEN
Okay, whatever.
Steven walks toward his bedroom.
CABLE GUY
Put on your bathing suit 'cause you'll be
channel surfing in no time.
The Cable Guy pulls the trigger on his drill twice to punctuate his joke.
13 INT. - STEVEN'S LIVING ROOM - LATER
CLOSE UP - THE TELEVISION
RIKKI KLIEMAN from COURT TV broadcasts from their studio.
RIKKI KLIEMAN
(to camera)
So ends day fifty-four of the trial of
former child star Sam Sweet who has been
accused of shooting his twin brother,
Stan, in cold blood. The twins were
stars of the hit sitcom "Double Trouble"
which aired from nineteen seventy-seven
till nineteen eighty-four.
A video package rolls in - We see several photographs of Sam Sweet and his twin brother at
various ages. Included is the cast photo of "Double Trouble." Pictured in the photo are eight-year-
old Stan and Sam and Conrad Janis as their single dad.
We see a brief clip from "Double Trouble," starring the two eight-year-old boys, then a shot of
Sam Sweet being taken out of a police car in handcuffs.
RIKKI KLIEMAN
(to camera)
Life wasn't so sweet after the cancellation
of their program. Hollywood chewed them
up and spit them out. A frustrated Sam
turned to petty larceny, while his more
impressionable brother, Stan, fell in
with a fringe cult called "The
Brotherhood of Friends." Reduced to
tabloid fodder a fury was growing inside
of Sam. A burning need to be recognized
as an individual, not a person famous for
having an identical twin. A need that
took the form of four shotgun blasts on
the night of November fourteenth. And so
today his attorneys continue the unusual
defense of "Twin Envy."
ANGLE ON
Steven re-enters the room. The Cable Guy is watching television.
STEVEN
How's it going?
The Cable Guy holds up one finger as if to say "quiet." His eyes never leave the TV.
CABLE GUY
Guilty, guilty, guilt-freakin-tee. I
hope they fry this bastard.
Steven sees that the Cable Guy has completely redecorated the room in a fashion which makes the
room impractical for anything other than watching television. The TV is now on the stairs
blocking the entrance into the living room. All furniture faces the TV, making conversation
impossible.
STEVEN
(looks around)
What happened?
CABLE GUY
(jumps to his feet)
The arrangement of your major appliances
and your furniture was causing some noisy
pics and hum bars in your reception. I
moved a few things. Cleared it right up.
Is that cool?
STEVEN
(non-confrontational)
I?guess so.
CABLE GUY
You programmed?
(off of Steven's look)
Then let me slave your remotes.
He picks up Steven's remotes, punches in a complicated series of commands, then points them at
each other. As he holds them together he makes a face as if their power is surging through him.
CABLE GUY
Ooh, maybe we should leave these two
alone.
STEVEN
So after this I'll only need one remote
for everything?
CABLE GUY
You know you're pretty good at this. You
could be a cable guy yourself.
(he finishes)
Now let me check your levels.
With amazing alacrity he adjusts color setting, sound controls, closed captioned, etc. Then he
clicks through the channels. A music video, documentary on Hitler, Oprah Winfrey Show, starving
kids, Barney, court TV. The Cable Guy watches emotionless.
CABLE GUY
All right. That about does it. I just
have some paperwork for you to fill out.
Sign here.
Steven does.
CABLE GUY
That gave me power of attorney over you.
(beat)
Joking.
Steven laughs. The Cable Guy joins him, but then continues to laugh way too hard for way too
long. As the laugh ends it quickly turns into an awkward moment. The Cable Guy does not want
to leave.
CABLE GUY
I'm about finished here.
(beat)
Okay. I feel good about this.
Cable Guy walks to the door.
STEVEN
One thing.
CABLE GUY
(turns back immediately)
Yeah!
STEVEN
I?uh?I have this friend and he said
he gave his cable guy fifty bucks and he
got free movie channels. Have you ever
heard of anything like that?
CABLE GUY
(deadly serious)
You mean illegal cable?
STEVEN
Uh?yes.
CABLE GUY
Who told you that? I want his name.
STEVEN
Forget it.
CABLE GUY
You're offering me a bribe? What you
have just done is illegal, and in this
state if convicted, you could be fined
five-thousand dollars or spend six months
in a correctional facility.
STEVEN
Please?that was dumb. I was just
making conversation ?
CABLE GUY
(laughs)
I'm just jerking your chain. Wake up
little snoozy. I'll juice you up. All
it is is a push of a button.
He puts his arm around Steven and walks him toward the front door.
STEVEN
Oh, great. How much?
CABLE GUY
Don't worry about it. I couldn't charge
you. Your girl just booted you.
Consider it one guy doing another guy a
solid.
STEVEN
That is so nice.
CABLE GUY
Hey, you're a 'nice' guy. You'd be
surprised how many customers treat you
like shit, like I'm a god damn plumber or
something.
(hands him a card)
Here is my personal beeper number. It's
just for my preferred customers. Never
call the company, they'll just put you on
hold.
STEVEN
Thanks. Really.
(holds up comment card - jokes)
You're gonna get some good marks here.
CABLE GUY
Maybe some day I'll take you out to the
satellite and show you how all this stuff
works. It's really incredible.
STEVEN
Sure. We should do that one day.
CABLE GUY
How 'bout tomorrow?
STEVEN
Tomorrow? Tomorrow's not good.
CABLE GUY
What are you going to do, sit home and
stew about your ex?
STEVEN
No.
CABLE GUY
(insulted)
Oh, okay. I guess I crossed the line.
Sorry.
STEVEN
(guilty)
You didn't cross the line.
CABLE GUY
No? Cool. I'll pick you up at six-thirty.
On the flip side.
The Cable Guy leaves before Steven can reconsider. Steven cannot believe he just got roped into
that.
(End Revision - Pink)
14 INT. CITYWIDE LAND DEVELOPERS - CONFERENCE ROOM - DAY
Steven is in the middle of a presentation to his co-workers. His boss, HAL DANIELS, looks
impressed.
Steven pulls a sheet off of an architect's model of a condominium complex.
STEVEN
匱here are twenty-four classrooms; each
can be converted into a 1400 square foot
home. The facility has two tennis courts,
an Olympic size pool and full gym, with a
stage if the residents decide they want
to perform "Oklahoma."
Everyone laughs. Steven is very good at his job.
STEVEN
The kitsch appeal of living in an old
schoolhouse should be very attractive to
young, upwardly mobile home buyers. And
most important, the structure is
available in foreclosure. If we put down
a cash bid, we're going to steal this
thing.
There is a pause, then everyone applauds. Mr. Daniels walks over to Steven and puts a proud arm
around him. They speak as the meeting breaks up.
MR. DANIELS
Great work Steve-o. So you're feeling
good?
STEVE
Yeah.
MR. DANIELS
Did I hear something about you having
some troubles at home?
STEVE
Robin and I have been having a difficult
time. I moved out, but I really think
it's only temporary.
MR. DANIELS
Gotcha. I love this project, but it's a
big mother. Know what I mean? If it
fails, corporate's going to have my ass.
I've got confidence in you, but you hear
where I'm coming from, bro?
STEVEN
Absolutely. Now I've got more time than
ever. It's a good thing.
(laughs)
I know I can pull this thing off.
MR. DANIELS
(playfully)
Then what are you doing talking to me?
You've got a lot of work to do. Get to
it!
STEVEN
Thank you. I will.
Hal goes down the stairs to his office. Steven watches him disappear, then turns to his secretary,
JOAN.
STEVEN
I'll be right back.
14A INT. SASSY MAGAZINE OFFICES - DAY
Steven walks through the halls looking for Robin's office.
15 OMITTED
16 INT. ROBIN'S OFFICE AT SASSY MAGAZINE - DAY
ROBIN HARRIS, an attractive woman in her late twenties, sits at her desk at "Sassy Magazine."
Her office is fairly nice, but she is definitely not at the upper level of the company yet. There are
papers spread all over her desk. On her walls are pictures from the magazine, and articles she has
written.
Steven peeks his head in her door.
STEVEN
Hello.
Robin's face drops.
ROBIN
Steven, what are you doing here?
STEVEN
I was just in the area. Thought I'd pop
by. How's work? How'd the big teen crush
article come out?
(Revised 11/13/95 - Blue)
ROBIN
They liked it.
(beat)
I thought we agreed we weren't going to
see each other for a month.
STEVEN
I know, it's just Daniels accepted my
proposal to renovate the old schoolhouse.
ROBIN
That's wonderful, congratulations.
STEVEN
I know I'm breaking the rules, but come
have dinner with me tonight to celebrate.
ROBIN
I don't think we should.
STEVEN
Come on, this is the biggest day of my
career.
ROBIN
Don't put me in this position.
STEVEN
What position? I want to share this with
you.
ROBIN
(feeling pressured)
I love you, but I need to take some time
on my own to see how I feel. You agreed
to this. I mean?this is exactly why we
broke up, because you never listen to me.
STEVE
What? Now we're broken up? What
happened to 'trial separation?'
ROBIN
I can't get into this now. If you haven't
noticed, I'm at work.
STEVE
Sorry to disturb you.
He turns to leave.
(Revised 11/14/95 - Pink)
ROBIN
(sincerely)
Steven. Congratulations. I know how
much this means to you. You deserve it.
STEVEN
Thanks.
He leaves.
17 OMITTED
17A INT. STEVEN'S APARTMENT - SIX-THIRTY P.M.
Steven is watching television. He looks lonely and depressed. He clicks around in a daze, never
stopping for more than a second.
He hears a horn honking outside.
CABLE GUY (OS)
Steven!!!! Stev-ey!!!! Let's go!!!!
ON THE TV - A commercial for Medieval Times Restaurant.
Steven walks over to the window and sees The Cable Guy standing in front of his van, leaning in
his window honking the horn.
CABLE GUY
Steven!!!!
(waves)
Hey buddy!!! Come on down!!!
Steven waves and then steps back from the window. He doesn't know what to do. He looks at the
television.
ON THE TV - The local news.
REPORTER
Coming up next a special report,
"Loneliness, America's Silent Killer."
Steven looks back out the window and sees the Cable Guy smiling and waving for him to come
down.
STEVEN
(begins walking to the door)
What the hell.
18 EXT. STEVEN'S APARTMENT BUILDING - DUSK
Steven walks from his apartment to the customized van. On the side of the white van it says, "The
Cable Company - Get Wired Today."
STEVEN
How's it going?
CABLE GUY
Howdy partner. Climb aboard.
Steven gets in.
19 INT. VAN - CONTINUOUS
The van drives onto the main boulevard.
CABLE GUY
Thanks for coming out. You know most
people think cable is just a simple co-ax
that comes out of the wall. They never
take the time to understand how it works.
STEVEN
Where exactly are we goin?
CABLE GUY
We're going to take a ride on the
information superhighway.
20 EXT. CITY - DUSK
Birds eye P.O.V., shot follows the Cable Guy's van as it drives through the city.
CABLE GUY
匢t all started in Lansford,
Pennsylvania where Panther Valley
Television, with the assistance of Jerrod
Electronics, created the first cable
television system.
The van drives up into the hills, finally revealing a huge satellite dish on top of a small mountain,
overlooking the entire city.
CABLE GUY
I went to Lansford once. It's the Cable
Guy's Mecca. It was very emotional.
21 EXT. WOODED AREA - DUSK
Steven and the Cable Guy get out of the van, and walk down a trail.
CABLE GUY
I come here to think sometimes. To clear
my head.
They turn a corner and the satellite dish is right in front of them. It is enormous. Next to it is a
one-hundred and fifty foot antenna. Next to that is a small fenced-in shack where the satellite's
controls are located.
CABLE GUY
There she is. Right now she's sending
entertainment and information to millions
of satisfied citizens.
STEVEN
That's pretty impressive.
CABLE GUY
See, I knew the moment I met you that
you would appreciate this.
The Cable Guy runs to the dish. A few seconds later he appears inside of it.
CABLE GUY
(with wonder)
The future is now. Soon every American
home will integrate their television,
phone, and computer. You'll be able to
visit the Louvre on one channel, and
watch female mud wrestling on
another. You can do your shopping at
home, or play Mortal Kombat with a friend
in Vietnam. There's no end to the
possibilities.
(waves to Steven)
Come on up! What are you waiting for?!
22 INT. SATELLITE DISH - NIGHT
The Cable Guy and Steven are lying in the middle of the dish, looking up at the night sky.
CABLE GUY
Sometimes I'll sit here and imagine that
there are billions of bits of information
surging through me.
STEVEN
I've watched a lot of TV in my life. I
guess I've always taken it for granted.
CABLE GUY
When I was a kid my mom worked nights.
Never met dad. But the old TV was always
there for me.
STEVEN
I know what you mean. My dad was there,
but he might as well have been gone. My
mom is a stewardess. She was always out
of town.
CABLE GUY
(moved)
That's tough. You must have a lot of
abandonment issues. Reality isn't "Father
Knows Best," it's a kick in the face on
Saturday night. But what doesn't kill us
makes us stronger, right?
STEVEN
(tentative)
You know my brother's a speech therapist.
The Cable Guy sits up. He looks angry.
CABLE GUY
So?
There is a long silence. Steven doesn't know how to react.
STEVEN
Never mind.
The Cable Guy sits back down and pretends Steven never mentioned it.
CABLE GUY
(beat)
So, you're pretty love struck about your
lady, huh?
STEVEN
I miss her. I asked her to marry me, and
she asked me to move out.
CABLE GUY
I hate that.
STEVEN
She said she felt pressured. Can you
believe that?
CABLE GUY
Women are a labyrinth. Can I be frank? I
don't think you listen to her. I think
you try to tell her what she wants to
hear. She wants you to thirst for
knowledge about who she is. All the
complicated splendor that is woman. When
your love is truly giving, it will come
back to you ten-fold.
STEVEN
You're right. That is remarkably
insightful.
CABLE GUY
Yeah, it was Jerry Springer's final
thought on Friday's show.
23 EXT. STEVEN'S APARTMENT BUILDING - LATER
The van pulls up in front of Steven's apartment building.
CABLE GUY
You know what? Women are suckers for
"Sleepless in Seattle." It's on HBO this
month. That's your bait right there.
STEVEN
Robin loves that movie.
CABLE GUY
They all do. Next time you talk to her
tell her you're cooking yourself dinner,
and watching it by yourself. Sound like
you're happier than a pig in shit.
She'll come running. Betcha. Then just
play it cool.
STEVEN
Maybe I will.
Steven gets out of the car.
STEVEN
Thanks a lot. I'm embarrassed to say
this, but I don't know your name. What
is it?
CABLE GUY
(touched)
You really want to know my name? You do?
Really? It's Ernie Douglas. But my
friends call me Chip.
STEVEN
I'll see ya' Chip.
Before he can exit the van, the Cable Guy is staring him in the eyes.
CABLE GUY
Let's just remember right now. You know
some people walk through their entire
lives and never find a true friend.
(long pause)
I guess we're the lucky ones.
(End Revised - Pink)
STEVEN'S P.O.V. - The Cable Guy is in slow motion. He blinks once.
STEVEN
Uh?good-bye.
CABLE GUY
Later buddy. I'll catch ya' on the
flip side.
Steven exits the van feeling a little uncomfortable.
24 INT. COFFEEHOUSE - NEXT DAY
Steven and Robin are talking. Robin does not look happy to see him.
STEVEN
I don't listen to you. I pretend to
understand but I'm really just saying
what I think you want to hear. So from
now on I'm going to try my best to listen
more because I do love you and am
interested in learning about every detail
about the complicated splendor that is
you.
Robin looks at him, somewhat shocked.
ROBIN
Oh.
STEVEN
I want us to get back together, but I can
see why taking this time might be good
for us. So, I'm not mad.
After a long beat, Robin smiles.
ROBIN
Sometimes time apart is healthy.
STEVEN
You're right. Well, that's what I came
here to say. Look, I've got to get back
to the office.
He starts getting up.
ROBIN
So, are you doing anything tomorrow?
STEVEN
I'm just going to cook myself dinner and
watch a movie. "Sleepless in Seattle" is
on cable.
ROBIN
Really?
STEVEN
If you're around you should drop by and
check out the new apartment.
ROBIN
Okay, maybe I will.
He exits the room. As he does we see a television broadcasting the Sweet case.
ON MTV - Sam Sweet sits behind the defendant's table. TABITHA SOREN is giving the news
update.
TABITHA SOREN
Today in the Sam Sweet case the
prosecution played the 911 call that Sam
Sweet made the night he murdered his
brother. Keep in mind, he confessed one
month later.
The courtroom listens to a 911 phone call. The transcription is seen on the screen.
SAM SWEET V ON THE TAPE
(crying and babbling)
Hello, please send help. My twin brother
has been shot.
911 OPERATOR
Slow down sir. What happened?
SAM SWEET
Oh my god, they shot him with a shot gun
four times. I mean I think it was a
shotgun. Who would do such a thing?! I
think it was an Asian gang or something.
They were speaking some other language.
Sam leans over and whispers something in his lawyer's ear.
TABITHA SOREN
Hmm. Who indeed? Coming up next, a rare
interview with Michael Jackson's zoo-
keeper.
25 INT. HIGH SCHOOL GYM - DAY
Steven is playing a pick-up, full court basketball game with some of his friends. It is a competitive,
but friendly game. Steven is on skins, Rick is on shirts.
STEVEN
Here, here, here.
A player passes to Steven. Rick is covering him. Steven drives to the basket and puts in a lay up.
RICK
(to himself)
Shit! My fault! My fault!
STEVEN
Not your fault. I'm in the zone. There
is no stopping me today.
Play begins again. A player named JEFF takes the ball out, then passes to a heavy-set player who
catches the ball, then drives to the basket. When he does he twists his ankle, dropping the ball. The
ball rolls out of bounds into a dark corner of the gym. We follow it as it rolls on the ground until it
hits a man's sneaker. A pair of hands pick up the ball. The camera tilts up the man's body. It is the
Cable Guy. He is holding another ball. He starts dribbling the two balls in a circular pattern.
CABLE GUY
Hey, you guys play here, too? Cool. I
was just in the neighborhood. Thought I'd
run the court for a couple of innings.
RICK
(gestures to injured player)
Great. We need another man.
STEVEN
This is?Chip Douglas?my cable guy.
Rick smiles in recognition.
CABLE GUY
We met about a week ago during a routine
installation, but I feel like I've known
him my whole life.
Steven can't believe this is happening.
RICK
Oh really. That's sweet. All right Chip
Douglas, you're on shirts. Let's play.
CABLE GUY
No, I want to be on Steven's team. I'm
skins.
The Cable Guy quickly takes off his shirt. Steven looks shocked because underneath his clothes he
is rippled with muscles. The dichotomy between his nerdy face, and his awesome physique is
scary.
JEFF
I don't care, I'll be shirts. Let's just
play.
CABLE GUY
Wait a sec'. I've got to warm up.
The Cable Guy starts running wind sprints across the court, touching all the main lines. Everyone
stares at him until he finishes.
CABLE GUY
Let's get it on!
STEVEN
Are you any good?
CABLE GUY
Feed me under the boards and you'll find
out.
Play begins. The shirts inbound to Jeff. The Cable Guy is all over him, covering him as tightly as
humanly possible. He keeps his hands near Jeff's face, whacks him in the back as he dribbles, etc.
He couldn't be more annoying. Jeff passes to Rick who drives to the basket and puts up a shot
which goes in. Rick and Jeff slap hands.
CABLE GUY
(doing the traveling hand signal)
Traveling! That's traveling!
RICK
Yeah, whatever you say Chip.
Everyone runs down the court, ignoring him.
CABLE GUY
All right, so we're playing that type of
game. Prison rules. I get it.
Steven takes the ball out. The cable Guy runs around the court, attempting to get open. He criss
crosses all over the court.
CABLE GUY
Feed me the rock! Feed me the rock! I'm
open!
Steven passes to the Cable Guy, who drives to the basket, pushing Jeff out of the way in the
process. The ball goes in.
CABLE GUY
(does the foul hand signal)
And one! That's definitely a foul!
(to Jeff)
You want to mug me, my wallet is in my
other pants.
STEVEN
(to Cable Guy)
What are you doing?
CABLE GUY
Don't play from fear Steven. We can take
these guys.
MUSIC UP - SLOW MOTION - STEVEN'S P.O.V.
a. The shirts put a shot which doesn't go in. The Cable Guy swings his elbows wildly as he pulls it
down.
b. The Cable Guy drives to the basket in slow motion violently taking down two men, including
Rick.
c. Rick drives to the basket. On his way he fakes out Steven who falls to the floor. Rick scores.
The Cable guy helps Steven up. As the Cable Guy walks across the court he bangs shoulders
with Rick.
d. The cable Guy passes the ball to Steven, then sets a nasty pick against Rick, who goes down
hard.
CABLE GUY
Take it to the hole!
Steven is so un-nerved by the Cable Guy's behavior that he misses a simple lay up. Steven grabs
his own rebound. When he puts up a second shot, Rick gently fouls him. Steven stumbles to the
ground. The ball does not go in.
CABLE GUY
Hey, are you okay?
He pulls Steven up.
STEVEN
Yeah. I'm fine.
CABLE GUY
Let's switch. I'll cover Rick.
The cable Guy gets in Rick's face and gives him a death stare.
Steven takes out the ball. He passes to a teammate who passes it to the Cable Guy who drives to
the basket, then literally steps on Rick's back and leaps into the air and dunks the ball.
RICK
(enraged)
What the hell was that? That's it. I've
had enough.
Everyone begins to exit the court.
JEFF
Thanks for bringing your "friend".
The Cable Guy runs up to Rick.
CABLE GUY
Good game.
(slaps Rick on the butt)
You were tough out there. Your play
brought me up to a higher level. I mean
that.
RICK
(dismissive)
Yeah.
He shakes his head and exits with the rest of the players.
STEVEN
What are you doing?
CABLE GUY
It was payback time. I was protecting
you.
(Revised 11/14/95 - Pink)
STEVEN
You ruined the game.
CABLE GUY
I don't appreciate your tone Steven.
That's not the way friends speak to each
other.
STEVEN
What are you talking about? I don't even
know you!
CABLE GUY
Well let's fix that. Let me buy you a
Heineken?
STEVEN
No, I'm going home.
Steven turns to leave.
CABLE GUY
Well, uh, I guess we'll talk later. I've
got to go shower up and do some stuff.
I'll call you if I get a chance. Or you
call me?or something.
The Cable guy puts his hand up for Steven to high five. Steven slaps it halfheartedly. Then the
cable guy extends his palm out low by his knee.
CABLE GUY
And down low.
Steven stares at it for a beat. The cable Guy waits. He'll wait as long as it takes. Finally Steven
gives him a low five just so he can leave.
CABLE GUY
(pulls his hand away so Steven misses it)
Too slow. Have a good one.
STEVEN
(as he walks away)
Yeah, have a good one.
26 INT. STEVEN'S APARTMENT - NEXT NIGHT
Steven runs in with a small bag of groceries. He is dressed for a date. He pulls out a bottle of
wine. He opens the oven, and checks on dinner. It is almost ready. Then he checks his message
machine as he prepares the meal. He begins chopping an onion.
(Revised 11/13/95 - Blue)
MESSAGE VOICE
You have eleven messages.
STEVEN'S MOTHER
(ON THE MACHINE)
Steven, it's mom. Give me a call. I'm
still your mother.
STEVEN'S FATHER
(ON THE MACHINE)
I'm getting on. Steven call your mother.
CABLE GUY
(ON THE MACHINE)
Hey Steven. Just checking in. Give me a
ring. I'm at 555-4329.
(beep)
What's up Steven? I'm at a pay phone. If
you're there pick up. Pick up. Pick up.
Okay, I'll be home later. I'll talk to
you then.
Steven stops chopping.
CABLE GUY
(ON THE MACHINE)
(beep)
Okay I'm home now. Give me a buzz when
you get in. I'll be here pretty much all
night. Bye.
(beep tone)
Hey Steven. Quick question, give me a
call when you get a chance.
(beep tone)
I was just taking a whiz, thought you
might have called. Okay later.
(beep tone)
Sorry, I had call waiting, didn't get to
it, thought it might have been you. All
right, bye.
Steven is beginning to get a little wigged out by this. He fast forwards through a sampling of the
rest of the calls.
CABLE GUY
(fast forwards)
匴e're having ourselves quite a little
game of phone tag here. You're it!
(fast forwards)
匢 was just blow drying my hair and I
thought I heard the phone ringing.
(fast forwards)
厃ou're a tough man to reach.
(fast forwards)
I guess you're too busy to call your
friends.
(Revision Ends - Blue)
Steven fast forwards the machine. All he hears is sighing. Then ?
CABLE GUY
(ON THE MACHINE)
(long beat - then quiet and distant)
Shit.
The doorbell rings. Steven takes a deep breath then opens the door. It is Robin. She is dressed
casually, but looks beautiful.
STEVEN
Hey, good to see you.
There is an awkward moment where Steven intentionally doesn't kiss her hello.
STEVEN
Come on in. What do you think of the
place?
She looks at the odd placement of furniture.
ROBIN
You made some interesting choices laying
out the room.
STEVEN
(embarrassed)
That's actually where the movers put the
furniture. I'm gonna change it, very
soon.
ROBIN
No, I like it.
27 INT. STEVEN'S LIVING ROOM - LATER
The food is all eaten. Steven and Robin are sitting on the couch having an awkward conversation.
ROBIN
So how's work?
STEVEN
Work's good.
ROBIN
How's Hal?
STEVEN
Don't get me started. That guy has no
vision. It's like working for Mr. MaGoo.
He's just worthless.
ROBIN
It's just great that you're getting to do
it. It's a real step up.
STEVEN
I know. Now if only someone at corporate
smartened up enough to dump Hal, then I
could really get some stuff done.
ROBIN
It's nice to see you doing so well.
STEVEN
Well, it's nice just to see you.
(looks at his watch)
Hey, it should be starting.
They sit on the couch. Robin moves to sit in closer to Steven. Steven turns on the television. The
screen is filled with white noise. The sound is loud static. He changes channels looking for the
signal. Then fumbles with the remote control as he attempts to lower the volume.
STEVEN
Damn cable is out. Son of a bitch.
ROBIN
It's alright. We can watch it another
night.
STEVEN
No, no. We really should see it now.
Now's a good time.
He plays with the remote, hoping it will magically come back. It doesn't.
STEVEN
Wait, wait. I know what to do.
He walks over to the phone, then pulls the Cable Guy's beeper number out of his wallet. He dials
it, then presses the number in.
STEVEN
The Cable Guy's a friend of mine. I'll
just page him. We'll have this fixed in
no time.
(Revised 11/14/95 - Pink)
Steven dials the Cable Guy's beeper number into the phone. The moment he is finished dialing ?
THERE IS A KNOCK - THE CAMERA WHIP PANS TO THE DOOR
Steven walks to the door and opens it. Standing there is the Cable Guy looking dark and
disturbed, different than we've ever seen him before. Steven is startled.
STEVEN
That was?fast.
CABLE GUY
Is there a problem with your service?
STEVEN
Yeah?my cable went out.
Steven pushes him out into the hall.
CABLE GUY
Really?
The Cable Guy holds up a cut cable cord.
CABLE GUY
So you called me. Interesting how you
call when you need something. Is that how
you treat people?
STEVEN
I've been really busy. You've got to get
my cable going, Robin is here. This is
really important.
He peeks in to get a look at Robin. They make momentary eye contact. Steven pushes him back
out.
CABLE GUY
But calling me back isn't?
STEVEN
I'm sorry. Please, you've got to help me.
CABLE GUY
Why should I help you? I gave you free
cable. What have you ever done for me?
STEVEN
Anything you want. Name it ?quickly.
CABLE GUY
Tomorrow night, we hang out.
STEVEN
Fine, whatever you want.
CABLE GUY
God bless you. You're too good to me.
The Cable Guy walks over to a fuse type box, turns one knob, then walks back to Steven.
CABLE GUY
(loud-normally)
All set.
STEVEN
So what's with the cut cord?
CABLE GUY
(nonchalantly)
That's for effect. See ya' tomorrow
Steven.
(conspiratorially)
She's pretty. And don't kiss her. Don't
even touch her. Fight the urge at all
costs. It will pay off later with?
He makes a motion which implies sex.
CABLE GUY
Enjoy the flick.
The Cable Guy walks away. Steven walks back inside.
ROBIN
Who was that?
STEVEN
Nobody.
Steven sits down next to Robin. Robin moves next to him. Steven looks very happy.
28 ON THE TV
A scene from the film "Sleepless in Seattle."
The camera pulls out and reveals the Cable Guy watching the film in the back of his van ?alone.
We cannot see much of the inside of the van because the only light is that of the television, but we
can tell that he lives there.
29 (SCENE 29 OMITTED)
30 EXT. PARKING LOT - DUSK
The Cable Guy and Steven walk across a parking lot. Steven has his eyes closed.
CABLE GUY
Sorry about yesterday. I was in kind of
a weird mood. How'd things go with you?
Keep 'em closed.
STEVEN
Pretty well. We'll see. Look, about the
other night. I didn't appreciate you --
CABLE GUY
Don't peek. I want this to be a
surprise.
STEVEN
I really don't need to be surprised.
Where are we going?
CABLE GUY
Only the best restaurant in town.
They walk around a corner.
CABLE GUY
Okay, here we are. Open sesame.
Steven opens his eyes.
The camera moves behind then and reveals an enormous faux castle with a big sign on it which
says "MEDIEVAL TIMES RESTAURANT."
STEVEN
Medieval Times?
CABLE GUY
I know what you're thinking. Don't
worry, I'm buying.
31 INT. MEDIEVAL TIMES - LATER
The Cable Guy and Steven are walking to their table. All the seating overlooks a large, circular
arena, the kind a rodeo is held in. The entire restaurant/arena is designed in Medieval themed
decor. All of the staff are dressed as knights, sorcerers, royalty, etc.
(Revision Ends - Pink)
STEVEN
Funny. I never thought I would ever
come here.
CABLE GUY
I love this place. I come here twice a
week.
A Hispanic woman with a large butt walks by. The Cable Guy is transfixed.
CABLE GUY
Oh man, that's my look. I love big
butts. Ow, that hurts.
He grabs his crotch and squeezes, as if it's the only way he can control himself.
CABLE GUY
There oughta be a law. Man she is hot.
It's just not fair.
STEVEN
(gestures to him squeezing his crotch)
Please don't.
CABLE GUY
You know what I need right now? Pooooon
tang. And I'm not talking about the
place in Vietnam.
STEVEN
Good to know.
They sit down. The WAITRESS walks over. She is dressed in peroid clothes, but is not
enthusiastic about her job.
WAITRESS
(flatly)
Welcome to Medieval Times. My name is
Melinda. I'll be your serving wench.
May I get you something from the bar
keep?
CABLE GUY
(too into it)
Dost thou have a mug of ale for me
and me mate? He has been pitched in
battle for a fortnight an has a King's
thirst for the beer thust thou might have
for thust.
WAITRESS
(uninspired)
I'll be right back my lord.
The Cable Guy puts something together.
CABLE GUY
There you go.
He hands Steven a paper crown. They both put theirs on.
STEVEN
Thanks for the help.
The Cable Guy sees something. His eyes widen.
CABLE GUY
Steven, don't turn around, but there is a
woman eyeing you like you are a piece of
meat and she hasn't eaten in a week.
Steven acts like he isn't interested, but he is.
STEVEN
Really? What does she look like?
CABLE GUY
Shoe's a hottie. I wish she was checking
me out. Man -- she is on fire! Total
robo-babe.
STEVEN
Are you serious?
CABLE GUY
Don't look.
STEVEN
I've got to look.
CABLE GUY
Okay, but play it cool. Just turn like
you are looking for the waitress.
Steven puts up his hand, and turns as if he's going to call for the waitress. He sees the woman. She
is in her sixties, and probably wasn't attractive at any stage of her life. Steven turns back to the
cable Guy, annoyed.
CABLE GUY
Ha-ha. I'm just messing with your mind.
But you fell for it man. You are one
horny Indian Chief.
STEVEN
(not laughing)
You got me.
CABLE GUY
So what did you want to rap about?
The trumpets go off, the lights go down and the show begins.
CABLE GUY
Hold that thought. Show's on.
The Cable Guy turns and looks at a stage that stands at one end above the arena.
32 ON THE STAGE - A MAN WHO LOOKS LIKE ALAN RICKMAN IN "ROBIN
HOOD" SPEAKS TO THE CROWD
HOST
Welcome to a magnificent journey into the
past. This is Medieval Times!
The entire crowd, filled completely with white trash tourists, applauds.
HOST
Are you prepapred for a night of feasting
and sport the likes of which ye will
never forget?!
The audience applauds.
HOST
I charge you to stand up on your feet and
cheer for your section's knight!
ON THE STANDS - Each section of the crowd is painted a color that corresponds with a knight.
The Cable Guy stands up and cheers like he is at a wrestling match. Steven remains seated.
CABLE GUY
Let the games begin! The Red Knight
rules! Blue Knight! You're going down!
Going down!
An embarrassed Steven applauds politely. The Cable Guy sits down.
33 INT. MEDIEVAL TIMES - LATER
ON THE FLOOR - In the center of the room two Knights are fighting with swords while on
horseback.
ON STEVEN AND THE CABLE GUY - They are eating whole chickens with their bare hands
while watching the show.
STEVEN
(to the Watiress)
Could I get a knife and fork?
WAITRESS
There were no utensils in Medieval Times,
so there are no utensils at 'Medieval
Times.' Do you want a refill on that
Pepsi?
STEVEN
There were no utensils, but there was
Pepsi?
WAITRESS
Look, I have a lot of tables to get to.
The waitress exits.
CABLE GUY
(stands up - yells to the competitors)
Spill his blood! Take his kead! Show no
mercy!
The two knights fight with swords. After a few moments of battle the Red Knight wins.
The crowd erupts. The Cable Guy goes crazy.
CABLE GUY
(to Steven)
Come on, get into it, we won!
Releuctantly, Steven stands up and applauds.
STEVEN
(halfheartedly)
Way to go Red Knight. Good job of
killing. Good work.
Steven and the Cable Guy sit down.
CABLE GUY
So, what were you saying before?
STEVEN
(tentatively)
How do I put this? I've really enjoyed
hanging out with you, but...
CABLE GUY
That's why I became a cable guy. To make
friends like you. Every time I walk up to
a new door, that door is a possibility
for friendship. When I walked in your
apartment I knew there was something
there. I just knew it.
STEVEN
(sotto)
Oh lord.
(tries to get back on track)
I want you to know --
The lights change. Trumpets play a fanfare. The host walks out onto the stage, interrupting
Steven.
HOST
We have reached the climax of our
competition good people! Now, two noble
men from our audience will battle to the
death to resolve a grievance. Will a
Master...
(looks at his clipboard)
Steven M. Bartowsky and Lord Ernie
Douglas make you way to the fighting
pit!
A spotlight shines on them. Steven is shocked.
STEVEN
What's going on?
CABLE GUY
We're going to do battle. It'll be fun.
STEVEN
Is this a normal part of the show?
CABLE GUY
No, but I give all the Knights free
cable. They said it would be cool if we
just went at it for a little while.
Two PIMPLY FACED SERFS from the show come and lead them away.
STEVEN
Is this safe?
CABLE GUY
That's what the armor's for.
34 INT. FIGHTING PIT - LATER
Steven and the Cable Guy are being dressed in armor by the two serfs. The Cable Guy could not
be happier. Steven is freaked out.
STEVEN
What are we supposed to do? We've got to
be careful we don't hurt each other.
The Cable Guy doesn't answer him. He has his game face on.
CABLE GUY
I cannot listen to any of your
instructions for you are my sworn enemy,
and are about to meet your demise.
Before Steven can answer him the trumpets blare.
HOST
Let the battle begin. Come now people,
let me hear your voices!
The crowd cheers. Music plays. The serfs hand them each a sword and shield, then walk them to
the center of the pit.
The Cable Guy crouches in a war-like position. He begins to circle Steven like a cat. Steven
mirrors him, not sure of what to do.
STEVEN
Just take it easy.
The Cable Guy runs at Steven, and swings his sword. In fear, Steven puts his shield over his head.
The sword smashes into it sending sparks into the air. The Cable Guy darts toward Steven and
pokes him several times with his sword. Each time Steven blocks it with either his sword or his
shield.
STEVEN
(enraged)
What are you doing?!
CABLE GUY
(matter of fact)
I'm trying to kill you.
The Cable Guy grabs a mace (a stick with a chain and ball attached to it) off of a weapon filled
wall and runs at Steven, swinging with abandon. Steven blocks the deadly mace with his shield.
STEVEN
Hey, watch it!
The Cable Guy leaps onto Steven. Then he speaks into his ear as he pushes him down onto the
ground.
CABLE GUY
This is just like when Spock had to fight
Kirk on 'Star Trek.' Best friends forced
to do battle.
Steven gets angry and pushes the Cable Guy off of him. He swings at the Cable Guy with his
sword, just missing him. The Cable Guy rolls on the ground and pops back up in the air.
CABLE GUY
That's the spirit. Let's give 'em a good
show.
Steven charges at the Cable Guy, swinging wildly. It is a real battle now. He bangs away at the
Cable Guy's mace until he knocks it out of his hands. The Cable Guy runs backwards, then falls on
the ground.
By the look in his eyes we can tell that the Cable Guy's feelings are hurt.
CABLE GUY
So that's how it's gonna be, huh? All
right. If you want to play rought, Daddy
can play rough.
The Cable Guy charges at Steven with his shield. He upper cuts the shield to Steven's face,
sending him to the ground.
The Cable Guy runs to the wall and grabs a huge battle ax, a four foot long stick with a fancy
silver blade on the end of it. He swings it in circles like a Japanese master. Steven grabs a similar
weapon, and then begin to circle each other.
STEVEN
Chip, this isn't funny! Will you stop
it!
CA