ACE VENTURA
PET DETECTIVE
Written by
Jack Bernstein
Tom Shadyac
Jim Carrey
EXT. STREET - DAY
A UPS Man with a big pot belly is walking down the street, whistling and carelessly tossing a
package in the air. We hear the sound of broken glass in the box. He passes a professional woman.
UPS MAN
Good morning, UPS!
He tosses the box behind his back like a basketball, then acknowledges another passerby.
UPS MAN
UPS, good to see you!
He takes a couple of steps, then flings the package incredibly high into the air, spins completely
around and expertly drops to one knee and catches the box. A Hispanic man passes.
UPS MAN
Buenos dias. Uo Pay eSsay.
EXT. APARTMENT BUILDING - DAY
The UPS Man dodges a couple of black kids as though playing basketball. He runs up the front
steps of the building. He reaches out to open the front door and inadvertently flings the package
behind him and back down the steps.
He goes back, retrieves the package, then enters the building.
INT. LOBBY - DAY
Several people stand in the elevator. The UPS Man just makes it, but the door closes on the
package... REPEATEDLY. He feigns embarrassment.
INT. 3RD FLOOR - DAY
ELEVATOR DOORS OPEN. The UPS Man throws the package out onto the floor and starts
kicking it down the hall like a soccer player. With one last big kick the parcel lands in front of
APARTMENT 3B. He picks it up and knocks on the door.
We hear a small dog barking.
GRUFF MAN (O.S.)
Shut the hell up, you stupid mutt!
An angry, burly man pokes his nose hairs out the chained door.
GRUFF MAN
What do you want?
UPS MAN
UPS, sir. And how are you this
afternoon? Alrighty then!
The man grumpily unchains the door. He's a big guy - 6'5", 250, and 50 of that is chest hair. A
small Shiatsu stands beside him.
UPS MAN
I have a package for you.
The UPS guy thrusts the package toward the man. We can clearly hear broken glass inside. The
man takes the package.
GRUFF MAN
It sounds broken.
UPS MAN
Most likely sir! I bet it was
something nice though! Now... I
haver an insurance form. If you'll
just sign here, here, and here,
and initial here, and print your name
here, we'll get the rest of the
forms out to you as soon as we
can.
The man begrudgingly begins to fill out the form. The dog wags his tail and whines. We can see
that he likes the UPS guy.
UPS MAN
That's a lovely dog you have. Do
you mind if I pet him, sir?
GRUFF MAN
(mumbles)
I don't give a rat's ass.
The UPS Man bends down and talks to the dog in a really sucky pet talk.
UPS MAN
Oo ja boo ba da boo boo do booo!
GRUFF MAN
(under breath)
Brother.
Before the Gruff Man can finish, the UPS Man stands back up and takes the form again.
UPS MAN
That's fine sir. I can fill out
the rest. You just have yourself
a good day. Take care, now! 'Bye
'bye, then!
THRASH MUSIC STARTS
INT. HALLWAY -- CONT'D
The UPS Man moves swiftly down the hall and into the stair well.
INT. APARTMENT 3B - CONT'D
The Gruff Man shakes the box, tosses it down and sits in front of the TV.
EXT. APARTMENT BUILDING - CONT'D
The UPS Man bursts from the front door and hustles down the street very quickly. He passes
several people.
UPS MAN
(quickly)
UPS, S'cuse me. UPS, comin'
through.
INT. APARTMENT 3B - CONT'D
We see the back of the Shiatsu staring at the crack in the front door. He has not moved an inch.
The Gruff Man looks over.
GRUFF MAN
Hey, stupid! Get away from the
door!
The dog doesn't budge and this really pisses him off. He gets up and heads for the dog.
GRUFF MAN
What's the matter with you, I said
GIT!!!
He roughly picks the dog up by the scruff of the neck, but as he turns it around we see that it is a
stuffed dog. Around it's neck is a business card that reads, "You have been had by Ace Ventura -
Pet Detective." He breathes fire.
GRUFF MAN
Son of a bitch!
He smashes the dog to the ground.
EXT. ALLEY - CONT'D
As the UPS Man/Ace rounds the corner, his shirt opens up at his pot belly and the Shiatsu's head
sticks out. Ace is gloating.
ACE
(announcer's voice)
That was a close one, ladies and
gentlemen. Unfortunately, in
every contest, there must be...
A LOOSER!
He jumps into an old beat-up Chevy Bel Air, and lets the dog out onto the passenger seat.
ACE (CONT'D)
LOOOHOOOSERRRHERRR!
He then pulls open the car's ashtray, and to the dog's delight, it's filled with puppy chow.
He tries to start the engine but it won't turn over. The dog shoots him a look.
ACE
(to dog)
No problem, it gets flooded.
We'll just wait a few seconds.
Ace sits back. SMASH!!!
From Ace's POV we see a Baseball bat shatter the front windshield.
ACE
Or, we could try it now.
Ace frantically tries to start the car. His new friend continues around the car beating the living shit
out of it.
ACE
Oooh, boy.
ACE'S POV
We see the creep wailing on the car in Ace's side view mirror.
ACE
Warning! Assholes are closer than
they appear!
The dog is barking insanely.
ACE
(to dog)
You think you can do better?!
The baseball bat is now pummeling the trunk.
ACE
Wanna give me a push while you're
back there?
BOOM! The back window shatters. Then the car's engine roars to life. Ace rejoices.
ACE
FARFEGNUGENNNNN!!!
Ace leaves the bad guy in a cloud of dust and gravel, screaming bloody murder.
EXT. MIAMI CITY STREETS - DAY
Ace and his new pal speed away freely.
Close on the happy dog, hanging his head out the car window. PAN across the broken windshield
to Ace, also hanging his head out the window to see where he's going.
The car drives by a sign on a telephone pole: "Reward" -- with a picture of the Shiatsu in Ace's
seat.
THRASH MUSIC ENDS
INT. HOUSE - DAY
A very sexy woman is hugging and kissing the Shiatsu.
WOMAN
My little baby. You missed mommy
didn't you? Did daddy hurt you?
I won't let him, no I won't. He
may have kept the big screen TV,
but he's not gonna keep my baby.
No he isn't.
(very sexy to Ace)
Thank you, Mr. Ventura. How can I
ever repay you?
She slinks over to Ace and puts her arms around his neck.
ACE
Well, the reward would be good,
and there was some damage to my ?
She cuts Ace off with a devastating kiss.
WOMAN
Would you like me to take you
pants off instead?
ACE
Ummmm?Sure.
She pulls him toward the bedroom.
WOMAN
It takes a big man to stand up to
my husband. He's already put two
of my lovers in the hospital.
ACE
How did he find out? Does he have
you followed.
WOMAN
No?I tell him
She plants a kiss on Ace's neck and pulls him down out of frame onto the bed.
EXT. DOLPHIN STADIUM PLAYING FIELD - DAY
The stands are empty, but there's plenty happening on the field. The Miami Dolphins are
practicing. Dan Marino is in top form, hitting pass after pass.
Behind one of the goal posts, the team's mascot, a rare dolphin (SNOWFLAKE), wearing #4, is
practicing his routine. The Trainer is dressed like a quarterback.
TRAINER
Blue! 42! Blue! 42! Hut! Hut!
Snowflake swims over, snatches a small football out of the Trainer's hand, and does an end zone
dance on his tail. He then returns the ball to the trainer.
The Trainer now sets the ball on the dolphin's tail and snowflake "kicks" a perfect field goal. The
Trainer blows a whistle and raises both arms.
DISSOLVE TO:
EXT. DOLPHIN STADIUM PLAYING FIELD - NIGHT
The stadium is now completely empty. Snowflake peacefully swims around his tank.
Suddenly, the water is illuminated by the headlights of an n.d. panel truck.
The rear door slides open. Two men jump out in wet suits.
They slip into the water while a third waits outside the tank.
Snowflake surfaces to check out the action. One of the men holds out a fish. Snowflake eagerly
takes it, then shudders as a large syringe is stuck into his back. Snowflake thrashes around.
Quick cut of a hand with the blur of a ring slamming against the tank. But the needle has done its
job. Snowflake quickly goes limp.
Snowflake is loaded into the back of the truck. Move in on Snowflake's face. His excited cackle
has turned into a painful whimper.
The truck skids away passing the guard gate. The guard is hog tied and gagged, struggling to free
himself.
INT. ADELLE'S FRIENDLY PET SHOP - NEXT DAY
Close up on a dead goldfish laying on a newspaper. We pull back to reveal ADELLE
ROSENBERG, the seventy year old owner of a cluttered pet shop. She's handing a live goldfish in
a bag to JENNIFER, a very sweet nine year old.
ADELLE
Here you go, honey. Now
remember?this kind of fish
doesn't like it in the freezer.
JENNY
But what's gonna happen to Dolly?
ADELLE
Don't worry, I'll make sure she
gets a proper burial.
Jennifer exits. Adelle calls to her cat, and tosses it the goldfish. The cat catches it in mid-air.
ADELLE
Rest in peace.
Ace enters the pet shop. It looks like he slept in his clothes.
ADELLE
Well?here comes another dead
fish.
ACE
Hi, beautiful. What time do you
get off?
ADELLE
Uh oh.
ACE
(suggestively)
I've heard some pretty great
things about your kibble.
ADELLE
Well, I hope I'm not getting a
reputation.
ACE
(switching to mock anger)
Just get me the food!
She chuckles at Ace as she loads a couple of bags with different kinds of pet food.
ADELLE
So?ahh, when can I expect you
to pay your tab?
ACE
I'm a little bit Sli Pickins,
right now, I'm a little Tight
Squeeze Louise, a little Welfare
Wolly, Potless Pissing Pete, I'm
ah ?
ADELLE
If you were a horse I'd shoot ya'.
Just take it.
ACE
Gravy! I'm good for it, Adelle.
I'm on a very big case right now.
Ace reaches into his coat pocket and pulls out a flyer with a picture of a white pigeon.
ACE
See this pigeon? It's a true
albino. Some rich guy lost it.
He's offering a ten thousand
dollar reward.
ADELLE
Wow, albino pigeons are very
rare. How are you going to find
him?
ACE
Just keep my eyes open, and hope
to god it doesn't snow.
Ace grabs his bags and heads for the door.
ADELLE
You're a good boy, Ace. A good
boy.
He holds the door open for an elderly gentleman who is entering at the same time. The gentleman
is walking a toy poodle on a leash. The poodle is dragging its butt along the entire length of the
floor. Ace and Adelle just stare.
ELDERLY MAN
(in a loud voice)
Do you have anything for ringworm?
EXT. SURFSIDE APARTMENT COMPLEX - DAY
Ace enters the courtyard of a two story U-shaped apartment complex carrying his groceries. It's a
crappy joint but he calls it home. Inside an open apartment on the ground floor, the landlord, MR.
SHICKADANCE, sits watching TV, stuffing his face with cheese doodles. Ace sneaks past the
door and up the stairs.
EXT. SECOND FLOOR - DAY
Ace is just putting the key in the door when the landlord steps up behind him. Ace is startled by
the dreaded 'Shickadance Rasp' (not unlike Linda Blair in THE EXORCIST).
LANDLORD
Venturaaaaa?
Ace straightens up, but doesn't turn around.
ACE
Yes, Satan?
Now Ace turns around in mock surprise.
ACE
Oh, I'm sorry, sir. You sounded
like someone else.
LANDLORD
Never mind the wise cracks
Venturaaa. You owe me rent!
ACE
Mr. Shickadance?I told you,
you're my first priority! As soon
as I find the white pigeon,
you're paid!!
LANDLORD
I heard animals in there Ventura!
I heard 'em again this morning,
scratchin' around.
ACE
I never bring my work home with
me, sir.
The landlord notices the bags of kibble.
LANDLORD
Oh, yeah? What's all this pet
food for?
ACE
(beat)
Fiber.
The landlord isn't buying it.
ACE
You wanna take a look for
yourself? Go head.
Ace rattles his keys in the door. Then he swings it open and turns on the light. The house is clear.
Ace walks in as the landlord stands there snooping and sniffing the air.
ACE
Well?are you satisfied?
LANDLORD
(still suspicious)
Yeah, but don't ever let me catch
you with an animal in there,
that's all!
ACE
Okay then. Take care now. 'Bye
'bye.
The landlord walks away as Ace closes the door.
ACE
(quietly to himself)
LLOOSER.
He then turns to the room and gives a distinct whistle.
CHAOS ENSUES! Animals jump out from every direction. Lizards crawl out of drawers, birds fly
through the air, all of them gravitating to Ace.
ACE
(to his flock)
Ooshhooboobooboodoodoo!
INT. MIAMI DOLPHIN HEADQUARTERS - LATER THAT DAY
The very imposing office of BOBBY RIDDLE, owner of the Miami Dolphins. Riddle, 70, is a
take charge, doesn't take crap from anyone type of guy. He is yelling at ROGER PODACTER,
an ex-linebacker in his early sixties, and MELISSA ROBINSON, Podacter's attractive assistant.
RIDDLE
I just want to know one thing; How
the hell do you lose a 500 pound
fish?!
Melissa's about to speak but hesitates.
RIDDLE (CONT.)
What?
MELISSA
It's not a fish, sir. It's a
mammal.
An angry Riddle stands up.
RIDDLE
Oh, thank you very much, Mrs.
Jacque Cousteau!
PODACTER
Bob, she didn't mean anything by
it.
RIDDLE calms down a little, and sits.
RIDDLE
(calmer)
Listen, personally, I don't give a
good god damn about a fish.
He looks at Melissa. She doesn't dare say anything.
RIDDLE (CONT.)
All I care about is winning this
Super Bowl! I want the players'
head in the right place. Shit,
Roger, you've been in this game
long enough, you know how
superstitious players are. Our
quarterback's been putting his
socks on backwards since high
school. And I got a lineman who
hasn't washed his jock in two
years because he thinks flies are
lucky! I want that god damn fish
on the field Super Bowl Sunday!
FIND THE FISH, OR FIND NEW JOBS!
INT. HALLWAY - CONTINUOUS ACTION
An upset Podacter and Melissa walk through the hallway.
PODACTER
Why did it have to happen now? I
got three stinking years left till
retirement.
MELISSA
I've got forty.
PODACTER
I'll tell you who did it. It was
those goddamn animal rights nuts!
Always out there with their
goddamn signs, ANIMALS WERE BORN
FREE, STOP TORTURING SNOWFLAKE!
That goddamn fish lives better than
they do!
They stop outside Melissa's office by her secretary's desk.
MELISSA
The police are checking into the
animal rights people.
(to secretary)
Martha, have the police called
back about the dolphin yet?
MARTHA
No, but I wanted to tell you, when
I lost my Cuddles, I hired a pet
detective.
PODACTER
A what?
MARTHA
A pet detective.
MELISSA
Thanks Martha, but we'd better
leave this to professionals.
MARTHA
Well actually, he was quite good.
Pet detection is a very involved,
highly scientific process.
CUT TO:
EXT. ROOF OF HOUSE - SAME TIME
CLOSE ON ACE - COOING like a pigeon. Widen to reveal, Ace precariously perched on the
roof of a two story building. He is four feet away from "The" pigeon. Ater a beat, he makes a
mad, spastic, yet scientific, lunge for the bird.
ACE
AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!
The bird makes a clean getaway. Unable to stop his momentum, Ace flies past the edge of the
building and slides down the side of the roof.
EXT. GROUND - CONTINUOUS ACTION
BAM!!! Ace crashes to the ground. As he lies face down, in a heap of trash, his beeper goes off.
EXT. DOLPHIN HEADQUARTERS/BOBBY RIDDLE STADIUM - DAY
Parking lot. Ace's clunker drives by some real nice cars. Employees stare at him.
INT. SECURITY CHECK POINT - DAY
A stern guard is admitting people into the stadium. He scans each one with a security detection
wand.
MAN #1
Art Wheeler. Sporting supplies.
The guard scans him. He goes.
MAN #2
Tom Anderson. Concessions.
The guard scans him. He goes.
ACE
Ace Ventura. Pet detective.
The guard stares at Ace, accusingly.
INT. MELISSA'S OFFICE - DAY
Martha enters.
MARTHA
Ah?Mr. Ventura to see you.
MELISSA
Okay, send him in.
Martha exits, Ace enters.
MELISSA (CONT.)
Hi, I'm Melissa Robinson. Did you
have any trouble getting in?
ACE
No, the guy with the rubber glove
was surprisingly gentle.
MELISSA
(apologetically)
Super Bowl week. Security's
tight. Mr. Ventura, I'll get
right to the point?
She slips a tape in the VCR and gestures for Ace to sit.
MELISSA
Our mascot was stolen from his
tank last night. Are you familiar
with Snowflake?
The tape shows Snowflake doing a trick. The trainer, dressed like a quarterback, shouts out
signals.
TRAINER (ON TAPE)
Blue! 42! Blue! 42! Hut! Hut!
Snowflake swims over, snatches the small football out of the trainer's hand, swims the length of
the pool, does an end zone dance on his tail, then returns the ball to the trainer.
MELISSA (O.S.)
We got Snowflake from the Miami
Seaquarium. He's a rare Bottle
Nose Dolphin. That's the new
trick he was going to do during
the half-time show.
While Ace studies the tape, he chews sunflower seeds in a bird-like fashion, placing the shells in a
neat little pile on her desk.
MELISSA
Would you like an ashtray?
ACE
No, I don't smoke.
He adds more shells to the pile.
Melissa is already wondering if she has made a mistake.
MELISSA
To be honest, Mr. Ventura.
I'm pretty skeptical. Before
today, I didn't even know there
was such a thing as a pet
detective.
ACE
Well, now that you do, you'll know
who to call if your Schnauser ever
runs away.
MELISSA
How did you know I have a
Schnauser?
Ace pulls a, invisible-to-the-naked-eye dog hair off here blouse and presents it to her.
ACE
He's young, about five pounds,
black coat, white speckles?
(sniffs the hair)
卨ikes to chase cars.
MELISSA
Very impressive.
ACE
You should see what I can do with
a good stool sample.
MELISSA
I can hardly wait. Look, we've
got a problem. Can you help me or
not?
ACE
(coy)
Well, sea faring creatures aren't
really my expertise?
MELISSA
We'll give you three thousand
dollars on delivery.
Ace immediately becomes the narrator of a nature show.
ACE
The dolphin is a social creature.
Capable of complex communication.
Traveling in large groups or
schools?
EXT. PLAYING FIELD - A SHORT TIME LATER
The Dolphin players practice. A crowd of reporters interview Marino.
MARINO
We just choked in 82. We had a
chance to win it and we didn't.
Nobody's gonna choke this time,
and if they do, I'll kill 'em.
Ace and Melissa head for Snowflake's tank.
MELISSA
The police were here this morning.
Apparently, the kidnappers used
the back gate.
Ace bends down to look at some tire tracks on the field.
MELISSA (CONT)
They said some kind of a ?
ACE
Four wheel drive van?loaded from
the rear.
Ace sniffs the turf. Podacter enters nervously.
MELISSA
Oh, hi, Roger. How are you holding
up?
PODACTER
Well if it looks like I'm walking
funny it's because I have a bunch
on reporters up my ass. They've
been asking me about Snowflake all
day. Who's this?
MELISSA
Roger Podacter, meet Ace Ventura.
Ace is our pet detective.
Podacter shakes his hand.
PODACTER
Nice to meet you. Martha Metz
recommended you very highly.
ACE
Martha Metz? Martha Metz. Oh
yeah, the bitch.
PODACTER
What?
ACE
Pekinese. Hyperactive. Lost in
Highland Park area. She was half
dead when I found her. Is that
the tank?
They both follow Ace as he makes a B-line.
EXT. SNOWFLAKE'S TANK - MOMENTS LATER
The tank is empty.
ACE
Cops drain it?
MELISSA
Yes. This morning.
Ace hops on the ladder.
ACE
If I'm not back in five
minutes?call Lloyd Bridges.
INT. DOLPHIN TANK - MOMENTS LATER
While eating sunflower seeds, Ace meticulously examines the tank, including the scratches where
the hand banged up against the wall when Snowflake was stolen. All the while, he is singing a
bastardized version of the theme from, "Flipper."
ACE
匴onderful Flipper?glorious
Flipper?magnificent
Flipper?The flippiest Flipper?
Podacter and Melissa, watching from the rim, look at each other like, "What have we gotten
ourselves into?" Podacter spots something.
PODACTER
Oh, great.
A hoard or reporters are headed their way.
PODACTER (CONT)
I'll try to head them off.
MELISSA
(to Ace)
Get out of the tank.
ACE
(still singing)
匔an't hear you Flipper,
Flipper?Lookin' for Flipper,
gotta find Flipper?
MELISSA
I said, get out of the tank! Now!
The reporters draw closer. Podacter heads them off.
REPORTER
So where's Snowflake?
PODACTER
Ah?Snowflake is just, ah, not
available right now.
REPORTER
Come on, I'm supposed to get a
shot of his new trick for the
evening news.
REPORTER #2
What? Is he sick?
Other reporters chime in.
VARIOUS REPORTERS
Did something happen to
Snowflake?! What're you
hiding..?!
Melissa and Podacter don't know what to say. Then, a strange voice is heard.
ACE/HEINZ (O.S.)
(unrecognizable accent)
How cun I be getting dis vork dun
mit all da shouting? What for is
dis shouting?
REPORTER
Who the hell is that?
MELISSA
That? That's?
ACE/HEINZ
Heinz Kissvelvet. I am Trainer of
Dolphins. You vant to talk to ze
dolphin, you talk to me!
REPORTER
What happened to the regular
trainer?
ACE/HEINZ
Vy do you care about the dolphin?
Do you know him? Does he call you
at home? Do you have a dorsal
fin?
(beat)
To train ze dolphin, you must zink
like ze dolphin. You must be
getting oonside ze dolphin's head!
Just yesterday I'm asking
Snowflake?"ee, eee, eee." He
said, "Eee, eee, eee, eee." Und
you can quote him.
Ace spits at the reporters' feet. Podacter jumps in.
PODACTER
Gentlemen, please, Coach Shula's
press conference is just about to
begin. Why don't I take you over
there and let, ah, Heinz, do his
job.
He ushers the press away.
MELISSA
(sotto to Ace)
Are you finished, Heinz?
ACE
Not yet.
Ace goes to the filter outside the tank, opens it, and pours out its contents ?mainly leaves, small
twigs and gunk. He roots through it, notices a very tiny amber stone. He smiles to himself.
ACE
Now I'm finished.
EXT. METRO POLICE DEPARTMENT - LATER THAT DAY
A flurry of activity in the detective division. As Ace enters, several cops taunt him on sight, led by
the obnoxious, SERGEANT AGUADO.
AGUADO
Hey, Ventura! Make any good
collars lately?
ANOTHER COP
Or were they leashes?
They all bust up. Aguado spots a bug on the ground.
AGUADO
Uh oh.
(steps on the bug)
Homicide, Ventura!
The cops are falling all over themselves laughing.
AGUADO
How you gonna solve this one?!
Ace walks up to them and looks at the squashed bug.
ACE
Good question, Aguado?first I'd
establish a motive. In this case
the killer saw the size of the
bug's dick, and became insanely
jealous.
The other cops all react with a big "ooooooo". Aguado has no comeback. Ace comes face to face
with him.
ACE
Then I'd lose thirty pounds
porking his wife.
Aguado suddenly loses it and swings at Ace.
With a lightening move, Ace sidesteps the punch and forces Aguado's face down next to the dead
bug.
ACE
Now kiss and make up.
Ace walks off.
ACE
(to himself)
LLLOOOSER!
Ace walks to the desk of EMILIO ECHAVEZ, a young energetic member of the homicide
division. Ace has a silly impish look on his face.
ACE
(playfully)
I miss you.
EMILIO
It's not a good time, Ace. If
Einhorn sees me talking to you I'm
gonna be history.
ACE
Okay. Just tell me what you got
on Snowflake. That's all I need.
EMILIO
匢 can't say anything. My hands
are tied.
ACE
(effeminate)
Sounds like my kind of a party.
A cop comes to Emilio's desk.
COP
Look alive, Einhorn's on her way
down.
EMILIO
Ace, please?!
ACE
Just tell me who's working the
case?
EMILIO
Aguado.
ACE
Aguado?! He's pimple juice! He's
the poster child for lead paint
chip eaters!
EMILIO
Look, Ace. We're a little busy
with murderers and drug dealers.
A missing dolphin isn't exactly a
high priority.
The elevator is getting closer.
EMILIO
Ace, gimme a break will ya?
Ace nonchalantly sits back in a chair, pops a sunflower seed into his mouth and cracks it loudly.
EMILIO
(quickly)
Okay, okay. We checked all the
local animal rights groups,
taxidermists, and we're running a
check through DMV on all recent
van rentals. So far, nada.
ACE
Any unusual bets being made?
EMILIO
Ace, it's the Super Bowl, of
course there's bets being made.
ACE
What'd you find out about the
tank?
EMILIO
Nothing weird. Just the tire
tracks and the exit route. The
guard didn't see anything.
ACE
That's it?
EMILIO
That's it. I swear. Now please
go away!
ACE
You know something?
(again impish)
YOU'RE NICE!
Ace gets up and exits the room. Then just as Emilio sighs with relief, Ace pops back in.
ACE
What about crazy Philly fans?
The elevator bell rings. Out steps police LT. LOIS EINHORN, mid 30s, with a slender build, a
great pair of legs and a bad tude.
ACE
Holy Testicle Tuesday!
EINHORN
(to Emilio)
What the hell is he doing here?
ACE
I came to confess. I was the
second gunman on the grassy knoll.
EINHORN
Spare me the routine, Ventura. I
know you're working the Snowflake
case. May I suggest you yield to
the experts on this one? We'll
find the porpoise.
ACE
(mock relief)
Whewww?now I feel better!
Ace turns to go.
ACE (CONT)
Of course, that might not do any
good. You see, nobody's missing a
porpoise. It's a dolphin that's
been taken. The common Harbor
Porpoise has an abrupt snout,
pointed teeth, and a triangular
thorasic fin, while the Bottlenose
Dolphin, or Tursiops Truncatus,
has an elongated beak, round,
cone-shaped teeth, and a
distinctive serrated dorsal
appendage. (beat) But I'm sure
you already knew that. (beat)
That's what turns me on about you.
Hey?maybe I'll give you a call
sometime, lieutenant. Your number
still 911? Alrighty then!
Ace exits.
CUT TO:
INT. TEA ROOM - NIGHT
A wild thrasher club. An incredible thrash band is on stage cranking. Kids jump wildly into the
"moshing" pit.
Ace enters, sees a burnout at the bar whose head is circling insanely to the music.
ACE
(shouting)
Excuse me?! Is Greg here?!
The burnout's head thrashes on. No acknowledgement of Ace.
ACE
Thank you!
Ace heads for the basement stairs.
INT. BASEMENT STAIRS - NIGHT
Ace descends the stairs, stopping at a large steel door. Ace bangs on it three times. A voice is
heard from inside.
VOICE (O.S.)
Password!
ACE
Tom Vu! I pay for sex! You can
too!
CLICK! The door electronically unlatches and slides open.
INT. BASEMENT - NIGHT
Ace enters. Green Peace "Save the Whales" posters abound. GREG/WOODSTOCK, a laid
back, ex-hippy with long gray hair, sits at a very impressive computer set up. Ace and he have
their own distinct banter.
A thud from above. Ace looks up.
ACE'S POV
Part of the ceiling is made of metal grating, so you can see the bottom of the dance floor. A guy's
face gets smashed into the grate. We see that it is the burnout from the club.
ACE
(to burnout)
Found him!
WOODSTOCK
Hey! St. Francis! How's it goin?
ACE
Super, and thank you for asking.
Hope you're having a nice day.
WOODSTOCK
Do you?
ACE
Don't I? And what are you up to?
WOODSTOCK
Just watching the fishies, man.
There is a BLIP on the computer screen.
WOODSTOCK
Alright, you're just in time for
the party. You see those blips?
ACE
I certainly do.
ON THE SCREEN
A map with several ships on the ocean.
He quickly taps in some commands and the ships start sailing in all different directions.
WOODSTOCK
That's a Norwegian whaling fleet.
I'm sending them new directional
coordinates?They'll find Jimmy
Hoffa before they find any
Humpbacks.
ACE
Gravy.
Woodstock moves to a different screen.
WOODSTOCK
Check this out.
More computer graphics come up on the screen.
WOODSTOCK
Just changed the formula for
Purina's puppy chow.
(turns to Ace)
Too much filler, don't ya' think?
ACE
(acting turned on)
I'm very attracted to you right
now.
Woodstock chuckles.
WOODSTOCK
Are you?
ACE
Aren't I? Can you still tap into
all the aquatic supply store in
the area?
WOODSTOCK
Of course I can. Why?
ACE
I want to trace the sale of any
equipment for transporting or
housing a dolphin within the past
few months?
WOODSTOCK
C'mon, Ace. I thought you might
have a challenge for me?
Woodstock starts hacking away.
ACE
Okay then, try to remember the
sixties.
WOODSTOCK
Wow! God one! Let's see?
Marine winch sling, feeder fish,
20,000 gallon tank?
He waits. We hear a beep.
WOODSTOCK
That's it. I found the culprit.
ACE
Who is it?
WOODSTOCK
(dramatically)
匰ea World.
ACE
卋astard.
WOODSTOCK
Hang on, hang on?
(He taps a couple keys)
Well, what do we have here?
That's a lot of equipment for a
civilian.
The printer spits out some data. Woodstock rips off the page and hands it to Ace.
ACE
Ronald Camp? The billionaire?
WOODSTOCK
Billionaire and rare fish
collector.
ACE
RRREHEHEALLY!
A PICTURE OF CAMP
Comes up on the computer screen.
WOODSTOCK
That, my friend, is the face of
the enemy.
He pages through his file on screen.
WOODSTOCK
匒lways tryin' to get his hands
on endangered species?
Newspaper articles fill the screen. One shows a picture of Camp and some Dolphin players.
ACE
Hold on, this guy's connected with
the Dolphins?
Ace leans in.
WOODSTOCK
Camp donated the land the new
stadium's built on.
(re: article)
Oh, look at this, he's throwin'
another, "I'm the richest man in
the universe" party.
ACE
(thinking)
Hmmm?I wonder if I can find
myself a date.
INT. CAMP'S MANSION - NIGHT
It's a magnificent home. There is an extremely formal party in progress. Twenty to thirty people
having champagne, caviar, and hot air. We see Dan Marino sitting with an audience around him.
DAN
We just choked in 82. We had a
chance to win and we didn't. But
nobody's gonna choke this time; if
they do, I'll kill 'em!
Everybody laughs.
EXT. CAMP'S MANSION - NIGHT
Ace and Melissa climb an impressive stairway leading to Camp's mansion.
MELISSA
I'm really going out on a limb
here, Ventura. Camp's social
events are strictly A-list.
ACE
(a la Love Connection)
'Well, Chuck?the date started
off good, but just before we got
to the party, she seemed to tense
up.'
Melissa rolls her eyes, then taps a huge door knocker.
MELISSA
I swear, if you do anything to
embarrass me in front of Camp?
ACE
You mean like this?
Ace starts doing a spastic body convulsion. Just then a bald-headed butler, who looks a little like
Gavin McCloud, opens the door. Ace doesn't notice until Melissa hits him with her purse.
ACE
Owwwe!!!
He sees the butler.
ACE
Oh, hi Captain Stubing.
Melissa storms in, already pissed.
INT. CAMP'S MANSION - CONT
Ace and Melissa enter. Camp looks over.
CAMP
Melissa! Glad you could make it!
Oh, and who is this?
MELISSA
This is my date. He's a?
lawyer.
CAMP
Well, does he have a name, or
should I call him "Lawyer"?
MELISSA
I'm sorry, it's Ace - ah, Tom Ace.
Ace is very unimpressed with her lying ability. He jumps in.
ACE
Tom Ace. Wonderful to meet you,
Mr. Camp, and congratualtions on
all your success. You smell
terrific.
CAMP
Ah, well, thank you. Please, come
in.
Ace boldly leads the way over to an hors 'oeuvre table. Melissa closely follows.
MELISSA
(sotto)
This is insane. There's no way
that Camp stole Snowflake.
ACE
(spreading pate' on a cracker)
Will you just keep him occupied,
while I work my magic please.
She crosses the room. He puts the cracker in his mouth and begins to crunch. A man in a tux
beside Ace spreads pate' on his own cracker.
ACE
(with a mouthful, to man)
Smooshy, isn't it?
Off the stuffy man's reaction?
INT. CAMP'S MANSION - SECONDS LATER
Ace approaches Camp.
ACE
Excuse me, Ron, I need to use the
bathroom?
(palms his stomach, whispering loudly)
I think it's the pate'.
CAMP
Um, it's just over there.
ACE
Thanks. Stuff probably looks
better on the way out, huh?
Ace laughs, slaps Camp hard on the back and heads for the bathroom.
INT. BATHROOM - CONT
Ace wastes no time. He locks the door, turns on the water faucet, steps onto the toilet seat, opens
and climbs out a window.
EXT. MANSION COURT YARD - CONT
Ace drops to the ground. He follows a pathway, through a gazebo and into a doorway, all the time
quietly singing the musical score to 'Mission Impossible'.
INT. CAMP'S MANSION - FISH TANKS - CONT
Ace browses through a myriad of dramatically lit, salt water tanks, still singing. They're all filled
with colorful exotic fish. Very impressive, but nothing large enough to house a dolphin. He
continues on towards a large door.
INT. TANK ROOM - SECONDS LATER
A huge above-ground tank is covered with curtains to discourage onlookers. Ace swings open the
large door and enters.
ACE
Gravy.
Ace climbs a ladder on the side of the tank, singing more intensely now. The ladder leads to a
narrow catwalk over the center of the water. Ace grabs a feeder fish from a pail and walks
carefully out there.
CLOSE ON ACE. THIS IS IT.
He looks into the dark pool, but sees nothing. Now he stops singing, quietly squats down and
dangles the fish over the water.
ACE
(gently)
Snowflake?Here, Snowflake?
Snooowflaaaake?
A GREAT WHITE LUNGES OUT OF THE WATER AND SNAPS ITS JAWS AN INCH
FROM ACE'S FACE!!! NEEDLESS TO SAY, ACE IS A TAD SURPRISED.
He reels back, falling off the catwalk, into the water.
INT. CAMP'S MANSION - SAME TIME
Melissa is admiring some beautiful tropical fish. Camp approaches.
CAMP
Wonderful, aren't they?
MELISSA
(nervously)
Yes. They're incredible.
CAMP
No matter what is going on in my
life, I can always watch them
swim and be completely at peace.
INT. INDOOR POOL ROOM - SAME TIME
The water is still for a moment. Then, Ace breaks the surface.
ACE
(frantic, to himself)
It's not Snowflake?It's not
Snowflake.
Instantly, Ace's body is thrashed around back and forth through the water, the entire length of the
pool.
ACE
(screaming)
IT'S NOT SNOWFLAAAAKE!!! IT'S NOT
SNOWFLAAAA!!!
INT. CAMP'S MANSION - LATER
A line is forming outside the bathroom. Camp and Melissa are seated nearby. He's getting curious.
CAMP
Are you sure he's okay? It's been
an awfu;;y long time.
MELISSA
Who, Tom? Oh, I'm sure he's fine.
Ace suddenly opens the bathroom door and stands there, completely drenched from head to toe,
with his pants in shreds. Everyone stops. They all stare at Ace in amazement.
ACE
(loudly to the entire room)
DO NOT GO IN THERE!
(fanning the air)
Whewww!!
EXT. CAMP'S MANSION - LATER
Ace and Melissa are exiting. Camp stops in the doorway.
CAMP
(still confused)
I'm very sorry, Mr. Ace. I'll
have the pluming checked
immediately.
ACE
Be sure that you do. If I had
been drinking out of that toilet,
I might have been killed!
Ace shakes Camp's hand and notices his ring. He holds on to get a better look. It's a very distinct,
commemorative ring.
Camp wants his hand back but Ace won't let go. Melissa finally drags Ace away.
MELISSA
We'd better go.
Camp looks on and shakes his head.
INT. MELISSA'S CAR - NIGHT
Ace is thinking. Melissa is pissed.
MELISSA
匶'know, I don't even want to
know why your pants are missing!
I don't care what happened! You
could have cost me my job.
ACE
(on his own wavelength)
I was wrong about Camp. He's
breaking the law but he's not our
guy.
MELISSA
It's a sure thing! It's
definitely him! Just get me in
there! Let me work my magic!
Ace takes the stone out of his pocket and studies it intensely.
ACE
This is the key. Right here!
MELISSA
Hiring you was the biggest mistake
I ever made!
ACE
So small! So unnoticeable! Yet
an invaluable piece?of our
twisted little jigsaw puzzle!
Melissa stares at Ace like he's gone crazy. There is a flash of headlights and a car horn. Melissa
swerves back into her own lane. Ace drops the stone somewhere on the seat and begins to search
for it frantically.
ACE
Damn it!
(to Melissa)
Try to keep it on the road.
INT. MELISSA'S LIVING ROOM
Melissa enters, followed by Ace.
MELISSA
So, you found a pebble in
Snowflake's tank. Excuse me while
I call CNN.
ACE
I found it in the filter. And
it's not a pebble. It is a rare,
triangular cut, orange amber.
Ace hands Melissa the stone and quickly goes to one of her bookcases.
MELISSA
What are you talking about?
ACE
Tonight I saw the exact same stone
in Camp's ring.
Ace finds a book on the Dolphin team and flips through it.
MELISSA
I thought you said he didn't do
it.
ACE
N. Camp's clean. His ring
wasn't missing a stone. But
whoever was in that tank had a
ring just like his.
MELISSA
Wait a second. What ring?
Ace hands her the book. It's open to a photo of?
ACE
The 1982 Dolphin AFC Championship
ring.
Melissa holds the stone up to the picture. It's a perfect match.
ACE
I find the ring with the missing
stone, I find Snowflake.
MELISSA
How are you gonna do that?
ACE
Simple.
MUSIC UP
CUT TO:
EXT. TRACK - DAY
Ace is wheezing and gasping for air as he struggles to jog up beside a large man who's running
around the track at a very fast pace. When he finally catches up, he awkwardly tries to catch a
glimpse of the man's ring and trips. The man just keeps going.
INT. FOOTLOCKER - DAY
Ace sits waiting with one shoe off. The store manager, an ex-player for the '82 team, sets down
several shoe boxes. Ace checks out the ring.
CLOSE ON
A poster of the '82 team. The player we just saw is being crossed out.
EXT. HOTEL - DAY
Pan a few kids getting autographs from Marino and other players, ending on Ace dressed up and
looking like a pimply kid. As the players sign, he checks their rings.
EXT. TRACK - DAY
Ace is again trying to catch the large man on the track. This time, just as he draws near, the man
leaves him in the dust.
INT. SPORTS BAR - DAY
Two big guys finish arm wrestling. Ace steps up to challenge. He spends an undue amount of time
preparing his grip, as he checks out the ring. Ace finally gets set and gives the "go ahead" nod. He
is instantly thrown across the room.
CLOSE ON
The poster of the '82 team. Another group of players are being crossed out.
EXT. STREET
Ace spots a player driving along side him. He can't see his ring.
Ace deliberately cuts off the player's car and flips him off. The angry player flips Ace off. We see
his ring is intact. Ace waves and drives off.
INT. MEN'S ROOM
One huge lineman uses a urinal. Ace, using the urinal next to him, nonchalantly tries to catch a
glimpse of the guy's hands. The Lineman has a very angry look on his face, but after a beat it
changes to a "come on" smile.
CLOSE ON
The poster of the '82 team. There is only one face that has not been crossed out. Ace circles it.
EXT. TRACK - DAY
Once again we see the large, fast man jogging toward camera. Suddenly Ace runs up behind him,
with a desperate look on his face, pouring a bottle of chloroform into a cloth. He leaps onto the
man's back, smothering him with the cloth and holding on for dear life. The man slowly gives up
the fight and collapses. Ace casually checks the ring, then walks away disappointed.
EXT. MELISSA'S BACKYARD - EARLY EVENING
Ace sits in a lawn chair depressed. Melissa consoles him.
MELISSA
Ace, that stone could have come
from anywhere. An earring, a
necklace?
ACE
(with murder in his eyes)
It came from an '82 AFC
Championship ring.
MELISSA
Lt. Einhorn thinks it was an
animal rights group. Have you
heard of FAN?
ACE
Free Animals Now? Started in 1982
by Chelsea Gamble, daughter of the
famous industrialist, Fischer
Gamble? Over half a million
members from Florida to Finland?
(beat)
No. Who are they?
MELISSA
Did you know that last year they
sent threatening letters to 127
college teams, demanding the
release of their mascots? At last
count ?
ACE
What do you feed your dog?
We see Melissa's dog lying near Ace's feet.
MELISSA
Ah?dog food, why?
ACE
He's miserable.
MELISSA
What are you talking about?
ACE
He's just very unhappy, I feel
sorry for him. Bad diet, isolated
environment. It's amazing he's
still alive.
MELISSA
You're just mad because your
stupid pebble theory didn't work
out and you don't know how to
express your anger.
ACE
Yeah? And you're ugly.
MELISSA
I'm not even gonna' talk to you,
please leave.
ACE
What, so you can beat him? Fatty!
MELISSA
You?are unbelievable.
The phone rings inside the house. Melissa goes to answer it.
MELISSA
Hiring you was a huge mistake!
The door slams and Ace is alone with the dog. After a moment he reaches down to pet it and we
all see that it is one of the happiest dogs in the world.
ACE
You like her, huh??Yeah, she's
alright.
Ace, feeling guilty, walks into the house.
INT. MELISSA'S DEN - CONT
Ace walks toward Melissa.
ACE
Look, Melissa, I, ah?
Ace stops when he sees Melissa. She is sitting, holding the phone in her lap with a completely
stunned look on her face. Something is very wrong.
EXT. HIGH RISE APARTMENT BUILDING - NIGHT
Chaos. Police, lights flashing, paramedics, crowds of people.
Ace and Melissa see Roger Podacter's body taken away in an ambulance.
ACE
You okay?
Melissa nods bravely. Emilio joins them.
ACE
What'd you find?
EMILIO
Podacter, Roger. Routine suicide.
He was alone. He'd been drinking.
No sign of a struggle. Neighbor
heard him scream on the way down.
Just your classic fifteen story
swan dive.
Melissa shudders. Ace gives Emilio a "way to go" look.
EMILIO
Sorry.
INT. HIGHRISE LOBBY - NIGHT
The three enter. Emilio pushes the button for the elevator.
MELISSA
It just seems so out of character.
He was going to retire in two
years.
ACE
Did he leave a note?
The elevator arrives.
EMILIO
No. That's nothing unusual. Some
do, some don't. He didn't.
The elevator doors close.
INT. PODACTOR'S APARTMENT - MOMENTS LATER
Police are everywhere. Emilio, Ace and Melissa enter and are immediately approached by one of
the officers.
EMILIO
Miss Robinson, this is officer
Carlson.
CARLSON
Evening, ma'am. I wonder if you
could answer a few questions about
the deceased?
Ace slips away, we follow him as he eavesdrops on conversations.
NEIGHBOR
(to a cop)
I told you, I was across the hall
in my apartment, I heard a scream.
The door was locked, so I called
the manager?
The Manager reiterates her story to the cop. The Manager is about 100 years old.
MANAGER
匱he place was empty, except for
the damn dog in the other room.
Then I opened the balcony door,
looked over the railing,
and?splat, bang, pancake time?
Ace, continuing his investigation notices?
PODACTER'S DESK
in perfect order.
Next, he notices police coming in and out of the balcony, closing the door behind them, shutting
out the noise.
INT. PODACTER'S BEDROOM - NIGHT
A dog is cowering in the corner. Ace tries to comfort the little guy.
ACE
Hey, fella, have a bad night?
Ace examines its paws.
Ace then gets down and finds scratches in the door. TWO FEET interrupt.
Ace stands. He is face to face with Einhorn.
EINHORN
Who let Dr. Doolittle in?
Emilio steps in immediately.
EMILIO
Ah, Lieutenant. He came with Miss
Robinson ?
EINHORN
This is official police business.
We'll let you know if the coroner
finds any ticks.
Cops snicker.
EMILIO
I just thought since Melissa ?
ACE
E, forget it. She's right.
Besides, I wouldn't want someone
tracing my steps and pointing out
all the mistakes I made.
Ace crosses to?
EXT. PODACTER'S BALCONY - CONT
Ace examines the area. Einhorn is in hot pursuit.
EINHORN
Oh, so, you don't think this in an
obvious suicide, Mr. Pet
Detective?
ACE
Well, I wouldn't say that. Lord
knows, there is plenty of evidence
here to support your theory,
except of course that spot of
blood on the balcony.
On the railing, sure enough, there is a tiny spot of blood.
Einhorn glares at a couple of nearby cops. They look down.
ACE
May I tell you what I think
happened? Alrighty then!
Ace moves as he talks.
ACE
Roger Podacter went out after
work. He had a few drinks, and he
came home. But he wasn't alone.
Someone was with him in this
apartment. There was a struggle,
and then Roger Podacter was thrown
over that balcony. Roger Podacter
didn't commit suicide. He was
murdered.
A beat as everyone considers this.
EINHORN
Well, that's a very entertaining
story, but real detectives have to
worry about that little thing
lawyers call evidence.
Ace picks up a lottery ticket on Podacter's desk and becomes a condescending kid show host.
ACE
Let's take a trip to clue
corner, shall we? Can anyone tell
me why a man buys a lottery ticket
on the day he is going to commit
suicide? Or why the family pet,
suffering from acute canine
trauma, clawed at the bedroom door
until his paws bled? How about
the blood on the railing? I'll
bet if we put our thinking caps on
we'll see that it was the result
of the struggle that took place
inside this apartment while Mr.
Podacter was still alive!
(singing)
NEXT TIME YOU DON'T HAVE A CLUE
COME ON BACK TO CLUE CORNER! BOOP!
Everyone looks to Einhorn.
EINHORN
Not a bad try for a pet detective,
but not near conclusive enough for
us real investigators.
(beat)
First, people buy lottery tickets
everyday. It's a habit. It
doesn't prove a thing. Second,
the dog wasn't suffering from